The Nightmare Experience of a Useless Person

Father. Mother.

Those memories he wanted to forget but couldn't become clear again, burning Jiang Zhiyang's brain like every day before.

He was just ten years old that year.

Every day at dawn, his father would drag him out of bed, and before his mind was fully awake, he would start studying.

I can't remember which month it was, but I do remember that when I finished reviewing my lessons, dawn was just breaking on the horizon. It was as if a drop of clear water had fallen, slowly diluting the darkness and gradually spreading a hazy light gray.

At that time, through the window, he could see the barely ripe persimmons casting blurry shadows in the night, their pale red color like all the suppressed pleasures in his heart, repeatedly tempting him to look.

Then, a thick, stiff vine ripped through the frozen air and lashed his back. Did it hurt? It probably didn't hurt that much. He only remembered that when his skin felt hot, it seemed less cold.

"Failed time and time again! Are you even a descendant of the Jiang family? Or even a descendant of the Yu family? I passed the county-level exam at the age of nine, but you... you can't even pass the county-level exam. If you fail again next February, you'd better get out of here. I'll have another child, and I refuse to believe that the Jiang family doesn't have the destiny of producing a top scholar!"

He still remembered his father's madness. Jiang Zhiyang was not afraid; on the contrary, he felt sorry for him. A scholar who had exhausted his talents, he had studied hard for half his life without success. He could only force his lofty ambitions onto a child and then waste the rest of his life on roaring.

Jiang Zhiyang didn't know if he could pass the exam, nor did he know if he could live to see the day his father would stop going mad. All he knew was that if his father wanted him to get up in the morning, he would get up; if his father wanted him to study, he would study. In any case, the days just repeated themselves, and he was so numb.

However, his father's words were true. He didn't need a child with a broken mind. Jiang Zhiyang was thrown into Leshan Hall, that infamous mental asylum, like a burden.

He wasn't bad; his mind was perfectly clear. But being thrown into a group of mentally ill people, he slowly seemed to go insane too. He wanted to cry, he wanted to laugh, he wanted to eat candy, he wanted to feel pain, he wanted to run, he wanted to sleep, he wanted his mother…

Jiang Zhiyang ran away. He climbed the courtyard wall by stepping on the peach tree. The wall wasn't that high back then, but he almost broke his leg several times. He wasn't afraid, because only by jumping down could he see his mother.

The backyard was deathly silent, just like the mother's temperament—a pool of water without fish. Even seeing her separated son only stirred a shallow ripple in her heart.

Once, twice, and the third time, her mother was gone, leaving only a long letter on the bamboo rattan chair.

From then on, Jiang Zhiyang never escaped again. He grew up, just like any other normal person. Only he knew that beneath his body lay an endless void, where his mother's wails echoed for a long time.

"Brother Zhiyang, can I eat this persimmon?" Ah Li asked timidly, looking at Jiang Zhiyang who seemed preoccupied.

"Of course." Jiang Zhiyang pulled himself out of his old, musty memories and put on his usual smile.

"Thank you, Brother Zhiyang."

"Thank you, Brother Zhiyang!" Several cats swarmed over from behind, snatching all the persimmons from their arms.

Yes, he has grown up. He no longer needs to study in a dreary way, nor does he crave those few persimmons. In fact, he can shelter others from the wind and rain simply by opening his arms.

"Xiao Tao, do you want one?" Xiao Tao, who used to love following Ali and Xuanxuan around, has been listless lately. Qingjun gave up her own one, which Jiang Zhiyang secretly slipped to her in front of the house.

She shook her head, her loose braids half-undone.

"What's wrong with you?" Qingjun knelt down halfway before he could see her small face clearly.

"I...I want to, but I..." Xiaotao was a little anxious, her words muffled, her fists clenched tightly, as if half of her body was tense.

"Peach, be good, don't rush, relax, relax your body." Jiang Zhiyang gently unfolded Xiao Tao's curled fingers, rubbing her knuckles again and again. "Your hands are numb again, aren't they? How did I teach you?"

"First, don't overthink it. Speak your mind directly and don't keep it bottled up inside. Second, don't rush. Speak slowly and deliberately." Xiao Tao answered Jiang Zhiyang's question, breathing heavily.

"By the way, what about the third one? What should we do if we get anxious?" Jiang Zhiyang gently guided the little lamb, who was bumping his head around, step by step out of the circle.

Xiao Tao closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then exhaled deeply, pushing out the brute force in her body little by little. Slowly, she finally stopped trembling.

"Little Tao is such a good girl. Come on, tell me slowly now. What do you want to say to Sister Qingjun?" Jiang Zhiyang held Little Tao's hand and kept encouraging her.

"I want to thank Sister Qingjun for braiding my hair, but I have nothing. All I have is this candy, which is my most precious candy. But I know it has melted and looks dirty, which is disgusting. So I can't accept Sister Qingjun's kindness anymore. I have no way to repay her. But I feel so useless, unable to be kind to the person I like."

Xiao Tao's mouth moved slowly, and tears streamed from her two round eyes, wetting Jiang Zhiyang's sleeves.

Braiding hair, such a small thing, this child keeps it to himself and makes himself uncomfortable.

"Sister doesn't dislike you, sister just wants to save the candy for Xiaotao herself." Qingjun stepped forward and hugged Xiaotao's small body. "Xiaotao is such a good girl."

She was so small, much smaller than Ah Liu when I held her, yet she had so many thoughts. According to common sense, a child's obedience is a sign of precocity, but Xiao Tao's obedience became a mental illness.

Fortunately, there was Lao Jiang, Aunt Dong, Jiang Shuo, and of course Jiang Zhiyang. Because of their presence, Xiao Tao's kindness was well appreciated.

This feeling is wonderful. We understand each other and cherish each other. It's hard to explain. Qingjun's heart feels warm, like spring rain nourishing flower buds and the Qinghe River irrigating the wasteland. She couldn't help but tighten her arms and deepen the embrace.

"Good girl, Xiao Tao." Jiang Zhiyang rubbed Xiao Tao's head, but he wasn't very gentle, and her other braids were all sticking up. "Brother Zhiyang said that if an outsider is good to you, Xiao Tao must repay kindness with kindness. But it's different with family. Family's love is a matter of course."

"Xiaotao remembers, but is Sister Qingjun also family?" Xiaotao broke free from Qingjun's embrace and blinked her little eyes.

"Of course," Jiang Zhiyang replied earnestly.

"So, are you and she a couple?" Xiao Tao wiped away her tears and asked Jiang Zhiyang very seriously.

However, Jiang Zhiyang dared not take it seriously this time.

"Does being a couple mean you're not family? Your sister is family to you, just like Zhiyang is to you, Ali is to you, and Xuanxuan is to you." Qingjun rubbed Xiaotao's cheeks and stuffed the persimmon into her palm. "Come on, let me comb your hair."

Xiao Tao nodded, and as she walked, she kissed and smelled the persimmon in her hand, overjoyed, leaving Jiang Zhiyang standing there in a daze.

Outside, a light rain began to fall, bringing a chill of winter air through the window.

Time flies. No matter how much Jiang Zhiyang cherishes it, the days still rush by mercilessly. In the haze, some things are destined to become clear, but some things are still unclear. For example, Qingjun, can she also be a kind of destiny?