Desperate people, accept the seed of my soul!

Li Su was diagnosed with "paranoid schizophrenia" caused by "postpartum depression leading to mental disorder combined with paranoid delusions," and required involuntary hospitalization.

The diagnosis certificate was stamped with the official seal of the Shanyang City Mental Health Prevention and Treatment Center and bore the signature of the attending physician.

She does not have a mental illness.

But she was confined to a mental hospital.

------

Li Su rebelled while in the mental hospital.

The first act of resistance occurred on the first day of hospitalization.

She tried to escape.

She ran from the ward to the end of the corridor and almost reached the doorknob of the stairwell.

Then three male nurses caught up with her, pinned her to the ground, tied her to the bed, and injected her with haloperidol.

Her muscles began to spasm, her neck tilted to one side, her tongue stuck out and she couldn't retract it, and saliva dripped onto the pillow.

She wanted to speak, but couldn't.

I want to move, but I can't.

She could only stare wide-eyed at the water stain on the ceiling.

Like an open palm.

The second act of resistance occurred on the third day after admission to the hospital.

While the nurses were delivering food, she broke a plastic spoon in half and used the broken end to cut a nurse's arm.

She didn't mean to hurt anyone.

She just wanted to create chaos and escape in the confusion.

But the door was locked.

There is another iron gate at the end of the corridor.

She couldn't escape at all.

She was pinned to the bed and given another injection.

This time it's chlorpromazine, and the dosage is higher than last time.

She was unconscious for a full day and night.

When I woke up, my hands and feet were tied to the bed rails and my mouth was stuffed with a silicone mouthguard to prevent me from biting my tongue.

She stared at the water stains on the ceiling and began to seriously consider a question.

How is she supposed to get out of here alive?

If she can't get out, what else can she do?

The third act of resistance occurred on the fifth day after admission to the hospital.

She did not make a move.

She used her brain.

She started to act innocent.

Take your medicine on time, go to bed on time, nod and smile when the doctor makes rounds, and open your mouth when the nurse dispenses your medicine.

Her medicine was secretly pressed under her tongue.

After the nurse left, she vomited it out and hid it in the pillowcase.

She has to take her medicine.

Because chlorpromazine really could damage her brain.

She must be sober.

Only when she was lucid could she remember those people's faces.

Zhou De'an.

Four men in black suits.

The security guard who collected Zhao Yuan's body.

The nurse who gave her the injection.

The doctor who signed the diagnosis report.

Everyone standing outside the iron gate.

She remembers every single face clearly.

But her disguise only lasted three days.

Three days later, the attending physician—a man wearing gold-rimmed glasses—suddenly asked her a question during rounds.

Do you think you're not sick?

Li Su did not respond.

The attending physician smiled and wrote a line on the medical record.

"Lack of awareness of illness indicates that the patient's mental symptoms have worsened and their insight is severely impaired. It is recommended to increase the medication dosage."

That afternoon, Li Su received an extra large dose of olanzapine in her indwelling catheter.

Her consciousness began to fade.

The combined effect of olanzapine and chlorpromazine, two potent antipsychotic drugs, slowed her thinking down like a rusty gear.

She held on.

one day.

Two days.

Three days.

She held on.

But she didn't know how much longer she could hold on.

------

Li Su opened her eyes.

The room was dark.

It was already dark outside the window, and the light from the corridor shone through the small glass window in the door, casting a small rectangular patch of light on the ceiling.

She stared at the spot of light and suddenly realized she couldn't remember what day it was.

What day of the week?

What number?

How many days has she been locked up here?

She remembered it as two weeks.

But she wasn't sure whether it would be fourteen or fifteen days.

This discovery terrified her.

If she can't even remember the time, what else can she remember?

The faces of those people.

The names of those people.

How long can I remember it?

She closed her eyes tightly and mentally reviewed the faces of those people again.

Zhou De'an.

First.

Gold-rimmed glasses.

He was in his fifties.

He speaks slowly and deliberately.

the second.

The psychiatric hospital doctor who signed the diagnosis.

He was also wearing wire-rimmed glasses.

He was also in his fifties.

The faces of these two people began to overlap in her memory.

She broke out in a cold sweat.

Different.

She told herself.

Different.

That person's eyebrows are thicker than this person's.

That person's chin is more square than this person's.

She desperately tried to recall those subtle differences, like a drowning person grasping at the last piece of driftwood.

But she could feel that chlorpromazine and olanzapine were slowly eroding her memory.

Will she still remember it after another week?

What if it's another month?

What if she really becomes mentally ill and doesn't even remember who she is?

Then her child died in vain.

Zhao Yuan died in vain.

Dr. Cheng died in vain.

No one will remember them.

No one will ever know the truth.

The truth will be buried in a file folder, stamped with a "confidential" red seal, and never see the light of day again.

Li Su opened her eyes and looked at the palm-shaped water stain on the ceiling.

She wanted to cry.

But her tear ducts were suppressed by medication, so she couldn't cry.

She wanted to shout.

But her throat was so dry it felt like it had been sanded, and she couldn't make a sound.

She could only lie there.

I am keenly aware that my memories are slipping away inch by inch.

I can clearly feel my hatred being worn away little by little.

He waited, fully conscious, for himself to become the second man in the observation room next to Zhao Yuan.

Drooling was dripping from the corner of his mouth.

His eyes were vacant.

Then--

She felt a wave of warmth.

It was a warmth emanating from deep within my body, like a tiny flame igniting in my chest.

The warmth spread throughout my body, dispelling the sluggishness and numbness caused by chlorpromazine and olanzapine.

Her mind began to clear.

Her body began to regain strength.

She subconsciously touched her chest.

There is a seed there.

A warm, pulsating seed of the soul, as if it were breathing.

Li Su opened her eyes.

The warmth in my body continued to spread, as if a pair of hands were pushing out of my chest cavity, squeezing out the chlorpromazine, olanzapine, and haloperidol that had accumulated for two whole weeks from my blood vessels, layer by layer.

She felt her muscles were no longer stiff.

Her wrists, chafed by the canvas straps, no longer hurt. The red, swollen, and inflamed wounds were healing at a speed she could feel. New skin covered the damaged tissue, itching slightly, like spring grass sprouting from the soil.

She took a deep breath.

The lungs expanded three times more than before, and the sensation of air rushing into the alveoli was clear and sharp, like learning to breathe for the first time.

She could hear footsteps at the end of the corridor; it was the sound of the night shift nurses making their rounds, the sound of their shoes scraping against the floor tiles.

She could even hear the heartbeat of the old woman in the next ward who had been howling all night, slow and strong, one beat at a time.