Ming Dynasty: A centenarian madman criticizes the Grand Secretary and brings his coffin to court!

Wang Zhen was completely disoriented by that kick and it took him a while to recover.

He lay on the ground, his whole body aching as if it had fallen apart.

But he dared not make a sound.

Because that old madman, who looked like a demon, was holding that iron sword that could fall down at any moment, and was looking at him with a smile.

That smile was uglier than a cry.

More terrifying than the demons of hell!

"Eunuch Wang, are you awake?"

Gu Canghai used the tip of his sword to lift Wang Zhen's chin, as if he were picking out a product for sale.

"I've been thinking about it for a moment."

"You said you've never killed anyone and haven't studied military strategy, so sending you to the front lines to command a battle is indeed a bit much for you."

"If you wet your pants and those Oirat barbarians laugh themselves to death, then our Ming Dynasty's victory would be dishonorable!"

Upon hearing this, a small flame of hope ignited in Wang Zhen's heart.

Did this old madman have a change of heart?

"The Grand Tutor is wise! The Grand Tutor is truly wise!"

Ignoring the excruciating pain on his face, Wang Zhen kowtowed desperately:

"This servant is utterly useless! All this servant knows is how to serve the Emperor!"

"I really can't do such rough work as fighting!"

"Please, Grand Tutor, just let this servant go!"

"Release them?"

Gu Canghai raised an eyebrow, his smile instantly vanishing, replaced by a sinister and terrifying expression:

"Dream on!"

"The rise and fall of a nation is the responsibility of every citizen! Even the palace dogs have to go to the battlefield, how dare you, a mere imperial servant, try to run away?"

"If you can't be the vanguard, then I'll take care of logistics!"

Gu Canghai waved his hand, pointing to the pitch-black coffin:

"As I just said, half of this coffin belongs to you."

"Since you don't want to lie down in it, then you're responsible for safely transporting this coffin, along with the provisions, supplies, and burial money for this million-strong army, to the front lines!"

Wang Zhen was stunned.

Managing logistics?

This job is tiring, but at least I don't have to risk my life on the front lines!

As long as we stay in the back and transport the food, it doesn't seem that dangerous...?

"This servant...this servant is willing!"

Wang Zhen quickly agreed, fearing that the old madman might change his mind.

"If you're willing, that's good."

Gu Canghai nodded, a sly glint in his eyes:

"However, the name of this logistics officer is not prestigious enough and does not match your status as Eunuch Wang."

"I've specially devised a magnificent new title for you!"

talking.

Gu Canghai cleared his throat and loudly announced to the assembled civil and military officials:

Effective immediately!

"The Grand Eunuch Wang Zhen of the Directorate of Ceremonial is hereby conferred the title of—"

"The Grand Master of Funeral Processions of the Ming Dynasty!!!"

boom!

Upon hearing this name, the ministers, who had been barely suppressing their laughter, could no longer hold back.

A few people with poor mental fortitude burst out laughing and snot bubbles appeared on their noses.

The chief funeral director?

What kind of underworld official position is this?

That's so mean!

That's absolutely outrageous!

"What are you laughing at?"

Gu Canghai glared and began spouting nonsense with a straight face:

"This is a perfect match for my major!"

"Think about it, what are eunuchs best at?"

"Wailing! Burning paper money! Making a big show of it!"

"This time we're going on this campaign with the resolve to die! We're going to perish together with the Oirats!"

"What if the emperor dies? What if we're all doomed?"

"Who will collect the emperor's body? Who will mourn at our grave?"

"Of course, we need a professional like Eunuch Wang!"

Gu Canghai patted Wang Zhen on the shoulder and said earnestly:

"Wang Zhen, this is a lucrative position."

"Look at this court of officials. If any of them were to die in the future, wouldn't they all be begging you to arrange a good position for them?"

"Especially the Emperor."

Gu Canghai turned to look at Zhu Qizhen, whose face was ashen on the dragon throne, and grinned:

"Your Majesty, you can die in peace!"

"With Eunuch Wang backing you up, you'll be safe."

"Whether it's the quality of the coffin or the denomination of the paper money, it's absolutely top-of-the-line!"

"I guarantee you'll pass away peacefully and with dignity, and you won't even have to wait in line to be reincarnated in your next life!"

puff--!

Zhu Qizhen felt a surge of blood rushing to his chest, a sweet taste in his throat, and almost vomited blood on the spot.

I'm not dead yet!

You've already started making arrangements for your funeral?

You want me to die in peace?

Is this even human language?

"Gu Canghai! You..."

Zhu Qizhen pointed at Gu Canghai, his hand trembling like someone with late-stage Parkinson's disease.

"Your Majesty, please calm down."

Gu Canghai waved his hand, interrupting the emperor's spellcasting:

"It's not over yet."

He suddenly pulled a crumpled rag from his pocket.

I don't know where it was torn from; it still has some oil stains on it.

"Now that I've taken on the role of chief funeral attendant, I must establish rules."

"Words are meaningless; let's put it in writing!"

Gu Canghai took the tattered cloth and walked to the coffin.

when!

He thrust out his iron sword and nailed the tattered cloth directly to the coffin lid!

penetrating!

"Wang Zhen! Get over here!"

"Sign this pledge for me!"

Wang Zhen crawled over shakily and took a closer look.

On the tattered cloth, written crookedly in bright red cinnabar (or some kind of unknown blood), was a line of large characters:

[Written Commitment by Wang Zhen, Chief Funeral Attendant]

If even a single bushel of provisions is lost at the front lines, the left hand will be severed!

[If the delivery of the coffin is delayed, cut off the right hand!]

If even one grain of rice is missing...

Upon seeing this last line, Wang Zhen's pupils suddenly contracted, and the hairs on his body stood on end!

[If even one grain of rice is missing, slice Wang Zhen into ten thousand pieces! Each piece as thin as a cicada's wing! Use them in a hot pot as a sacrifice!]

"This...this..."

Wang Zhen was so frightened that he collapsed to the ground:

"Grand Tutor! This...this is too ruthless!"

"To be executed by slow slicing for even a single grain of rice?"

"Want to...have hot pot too?"

"ruthless?"

Gu Canghai sneered, squatted down, and grabbed Wang Zhen's well-maintained, fair and delicate hand.

"The soldiers on the front lines are risking their lives. If you dare to embezzle even a single grain of rice, you are drinking their blood!"

"Those who drink the blood of soldiers, shouldn't I eat their flesh?"

"Stop talking nonsense!"

"Press your fingerprints!"

Gu Canghai gave Wang Zhen no chance to hesitate.

He grabbed Wang Zhen's thumb and dipped it into the pool of blood that Wang Zhen had just vomited.

then.

He slammed it hard onto the tattered cloth!

Snapped!

A bright red, glaringly bloody handprint was left on the coffin lid!

that moment.

This coffin no longer seemed like an inanimate object, but rather a contract that devoured life!

"alright!"

Gu Canghai released his grip and patted the dust off his hands with satisfaction.

"The contract is complete, witnessed by heaven and earth!"

"Wang Zhen, you are now the guardian of this coffin."

"I've got it."

"If I'm made to fight on the front lines on an empty stomach..."

Gu Canghai licked his lips, a chilling glint of appetite flashing in his eyes:

"It's been years since I've had authentic Beijing-style hot pot."

"I've heard that eunuch meat, though a bit gamey, is quite chewy."

"Don't let me down."

"vomit--"

Wang Zhen could no longer hold back and lay on the ground, dry heaving.

He was genuinely scared.

This madman really does eat people!

Above the sky.

The Hongwu Plane.

Zhu Yuanzhang laughed so hard he almost fell over, tears streaming down his face.

"Hahaha! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!"

"The chief funeral director? Hot pot and flag-raising ceremony?"

"That madman Gu, his head is absolutely full of evil schemes!"

"but……"

As Zhu Yuanzhang's laughter subsided, a hint of admiration flashed in his eyes:

"This can be considered making the best use of everyone's talents."

"Let this kind of cowardly eunuch be in charge of logistics, and then put a knife to his throat."

"He cares more than anyone else!"

"Because he's afraid of dying! He doesn't want to be sliced ​​up!"

"Biao'er, learn this, this is called the art of rulership... oh no, the art of mad dogship!"

Zhu Biao stood to the side, his lips twitching, and helplessly rubbed his forehead.

Father, you call this scheming?

This is clearly intimidation! It's blatant intimidation!

Return to the Fengtian Hall of the Zhengtong Dynasty.

Having won over Wang Zhen, the "chief funeral director," Gu Canghai was in high spirits.

He turned around, looked at Zhu Qizhen who was still slumped on the dragon throne, cupped his hands in a respectful gesture, and spoke with a tone full of mockery:

"His Majesty."

"I've taken good care of the logistics."

"A professional team, professional service."

"You can now rest assured and go to Tumu Fort to die in peace."

"Whether you want to die on the battlefield or be captured by the Oirat people and used as a mascot."

"Our Ming Dynasty's logistical support will absolutely not falter!"

Zhu Qizhen: "..."

What could he say?

What could he possibly say?

All he wants now is to go home and find his mother!

This world is too dangerous! This prime minister is terrifying!

Seeing that the emperor remained silent, Gu Canghai didn't bother to pay him any more attention.

Zhu Qizhen now is just a figurehead, terrified out of his mind.

Ultimately, the fate of the Ming Dynasty was decided by the other people in the court.

Gu Canghai took a deep breath, his eyes sharpening once more.

He slowly turned around.

The iron sword in his hand drew a cold arc in the air.

finally.

The sword tip landed on the group of armored generals who were bowing their heads and remaining silent.

Especially those standing in the very front row.

Zhang Fu, the Duke of England.

Duke of Cheng, Zhu Yong.

These were veteran generals who had followed Zhu Di on his northern expeditions and were renowned for their prowess.

Now they look like wilted eggplants, all listless and lifeless.

Gu Canghai sneered.

"What's wrong?"

"Are you all too afraid to speak?"

"You all seemed to enjoy watching me deal with that castrated dog just now, didn't you?"

"Now it's your turn!"

Gu Canghai suddenly threw the iron sword in his hand away!

Clang!

The iron sword fell to the ground with a crisp sound, and slid right to the feet of Duke Zhang Fu of England.

"Pick up the sword!"

Gu Canghai's loud shout startled Zhang Fu.

"Zhang Fu!"

"Your father, Zhang Yu, was the greatest hero of the Jingnan Campaign! He was a hero who died in Dongchang to save Emperor Taizong!"

"And you?"

"Did you earn your title of Duke of England by simply resting on your laurels?"

"Now the Oirats are practically defecating on the heads of the Ming Dynasty!"

"You don't even dare to fart?"

"Where's your guts? Did they get eaten by dogs?!"

Gu Canghai strode up to Zhang Fu, grabbed his gray beard, and spat in his face.

"say!"

"Are you planning to commit suicide by holding this sword?"

"You still want to follow me and beat those bastards of Esen's shit out of their wits?!"