Shinji Ikari, returned from Warhammer

"It seems the ritual is missing a crucial offering, but unfortunately the appointed time has arrived. However, it's alright, I look forward to seeing you all again."

As the words fell, the vortex of contradictions formed by the convergence of all things spread out, and the sacred machine stood once more on the earth. However, this time, it lacked the driving force of a soul; it was merely an ordinary machine.

But no one dared to approach Unit-01, which sat quietly cross-legged on the ground. It wasn't until Mari opened the gate with her hands and removed the ejected insertion plug that she saw only orange-yellow LCL liquid.

“He’s gone.” Mari Makinami turned to look at Misato Katsuragi.

Misato Katsuragi didn't speak, but just stared quietly at the liquid leaking from the insertion plug. This time, she didn't even leave her clothes behind.

"But maybe the puppy left in a hurry, because it seems like it left something behind." Mari pulled out a necklace-like thing from the orange-yellow liquid.

"What is this? A rosary?" Mari shook the rosary in front of her, squinting at the sun to examine the inscriptions. "So, for the past fourteen years, Little Dog-kun has been a believer? Hmm? An emperor?"

Praise the emperor.

135: Distant Mental Landscapes

The bright red warning lights flashed past the train window as the swaying train continued its journey until a melodious bell rang, signaling the arrival of the train at the station.

Shinji Ikari looked out the floor-to-ceiling window of the train car. Tokyo outside seemed to be shrouded in a world on the verge of collapse. The world was blurry, and the elevated railway scattered bright sparks as the train passed by. Everyone was in a hurry, and warning red lights flashed repeatedly.

This train carriage kept appearing in his dreams, and Shinji Ikari didn't know what it represented. He wrapped his thin summer school uniform tighter around himself and curled up on the wooden bench. His consciousness gradually became hazy, but he suddenly looked up ahead.

"Who?"

"who are you?"

"Who is where?"

"Shinji Ikari," someone answered from the other side of the carriage.

Before Shinji could even make out the other person's face, the train had already entered the dark tunnel, leaving only the clattering sound of the train wheels on the tracks echoing in the large carriage.

Even in complete darkness, Shinji Ikari felt no fear whatsoever, as if he were inside Unit-01. Oh no, he felt even more at ease than if he were inside Unit-01.

"I am who I am, I am who I am." Another voice of your own avatar rang out from the left.

"People always have different selves in their hearts; each self is composed of two selves."

"Two people?" Shinji Ikari, who was to his right, asked in a puzzled voice.

"The self that is being watched in reality, and another self that is watching itself." This is what Shinji Ikari said earlier.

“There are many characters named Shinji Ikari.” The fourth Shinji Ikari spoke up.

"Shinji Ikari in your heart, Shinji Ikari in Misato Katsuragi's heart, Shinji Ikari in Asuka Shikinami's heart, Shinji Ikari in Asuka Ryūki's heart, Shinji Ikari in Rei Ayanami's heart, and Shinji Ikari in Gendo Ikari's heart."

"Although everyone has a different image of Shinji Ikari, they are all Shinji Ikari."

"You're just afraid of the Shinji Ikari that others see in their hearts."

"And what about you? What kind of Shinji Ikari are you?"

"I am Shinji Ikari, who hopes to gain my father's approval."

"I'm afraid of being disliked."

“Actually, you’re just afraid of getting hurt. You’ll never grow if you just rely on others and run away from your responsibilities,” said Shinji Ikari, another character who likes to expose people’s wounds.

"Whose fault is that?" Shinji Ikari clutched his head. Just then, the train emerged from the tunnel, the orange glow of the setting sun illuminating the interior of the carriage.

“The one who’s wrong is my father,” Shinji Ikari said firmly. “The father who abandoned me.”

"I am the one who is wrong. I always care too much about what others think and I can't really stand up and be myself."

Countless memories flashed through Shinji Ikari's mind.

It was in the living room, as Asuka looked down at him with disdain, saying, "You admit your mistakes so quickly, that's what you call reaping what you sow. Serves you right, you idiot."

"That's because you think you're not good enough, isn't it?" Misato Katsuragi stared at herself in the elevator, her gaze darting away and her head bowed.

With a crisp slap, Rei Ayanami's expressionless face appeared before my eyes. "Don't you trust your own father?"

"Are you going to run away again, Shinji Ikari? Then get out." Sitting at his desk in the office, with his fingers interlaced and wearing sunglasses, Gendo Ikari coldly watched his own back.

“It’s not Dad’s fault! He praised me, he said I did a great job, he called out my name, and I was praised by Dad!”

"Are you just going to keep savoring the pleasure that this sentence brings, and then continue living like this?" another Shinji Ikari said sarcastically.

Shinji Ikari, feeling mocked, slowly raised his head. He looked at the convex mirror outside the carriage, where a comical, bewildered face was reflected.

"As long as I believe this, I can live on strongly. I am Shinji Ikari, living to gain my father's approval." Shinji Ikari looked up with joy, as if he had found his anchor, and looked at the Shinji in front of him, hoping to gain his approval. "Everyone is like this, right? We all live by deceiving ourselves!"

Sitting across from him was a young Shinji Ikari wearing a striped plaid shirt, his face hidden in shadow. "You have to convince yourself, or you can't live. Because there are too many painful things in this world, you pretend not to see the things you don't like, and that's always been you."

"Shut up!" Shinji Ikari rushed up to the younger Shinji Ikari and shoved him onto the bench. "You don't understand anything, you understand everything!"

"No! I don't want to hear it!"

"What's wrong with doing only what makes you happy! Just do things that make you happy! Just do things that make you happy!"

"Aren't you going to say anything? Everyone's chatting." At this moment, Shinji Ikari, who looked about seventeen years old, glanced at Shinji sitting in the carriage with his eyes closed in a deep meditation.

"You guys are too noisy, you're just annoying me." The last Shinji Ikari removed the book from his face and scanned the Shinjis in the carriage.

He didn't mean any mockery. He had been through a period of love, being needed, and reasons for living, but now, Shinji Ikari, who had returned from Warhammer, only found them noisy.

He wasn't too keen on fitting in with the group; he felt it was too pretentious. He was eager to get back and fight the aliens. But all the Shinji Ikari were watching him, as if they wouldn't be able to leave without saying something.

Shinji Ikari coughed twice, feigning an attempt to ask, "Do you want to believe in the Emperor?"

The result was that no one paid any attention to him.

Shinji Ikari, who is shirking his responsibilities, and his younger self are fighting on a bench. Shinji, who believes that his father's approval is the only reason to live, is looking for other Shinji to validate his beliefs. At the end of the carriage, seventeen-year-old Shinji is wearing headphones on his Walkman.

The entire swaying carriage was bathed in the orange glow of the setting sun, and the shadows of Tokyo Third outside the window were cast on the back of the benches. Shinji Ikari watched the farce in silence until the bells rang again.

The train has arrived at the station.

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The Third New Tokyo City, above Hakone.

A helicopter hovered to the left of the black and white sphere, only five meters away, but they felt no fear. The intelligence they had received made it clear that the spherical object before them, seemingly an apostle, was actually the shadow of the true apostle.

“Major Katsuragi must be in a lot of pain, with the qualified candidates and her subordinates all caught up in it,” a recorder suddenly said.

"Fortunately, the second unit has been temporarily mothballed, and we still have one pilot left."

"We are informing the Self-Defense Forces that the Second Tank Squadron has completed its deployment and is standing by."

"Laser circuit is being activated, awaiting intelligence transmission."

In the command center, Misato Katsuragi's expression was sharp. It wasn't that she wasn't sad; it was that she had lost too many important people in a short period of time, and her body instinctively prevented her from feeling sadness.

"So, the shadow is the true form of the apostle?" Misato Katsuragi asked.

"Yes, the black spherical object above is actually the projection of the Apostle, while the pitch-black shadow that devours the object is the real Apostle," Ritsuko Akagi answered, standing in front of the blackboard. "The target's diameter has now expanded to 680 meters, and its thickness is about three nanometers. This extremely thin space is composed of an AT field. Inside is an imaginary space called the Dirac Sea. It's probably linked to another universe."

The Dirac Sea is a sea of ​​negative-energy particles composed of zero-point energy from the quantum vacuum. Although these particles are unobservable, they are by no means illusory; they can be formed with enough energy. Wherever there is matter, there is the Dirac Sea, and one can imagine the observed universe as if it were floating on its surface.

Ritsuko Akagi was also deeply saddened, because her most important man and most trusted assistant had also fallen victim to it. She was supposed to be in charge today, but she escaped unscathed because she was checking Rei Ayanami's physical condition.

"Where's that sphere?" Misato Katsuragi continued to ask.

“As long as the imaginary circuit of the main body is closed, it will disappear,” Ritsuko Akagi replied. “Therefore, the UN forces devised a rescue plan, which is to use the UN’s remaining 992 N2 bombs to bombard the Absolute Territory that maintains the Dirac Sea on the surface. At the right moment, Asuka, who is on standby, will pilot the latest Unit-06 to deploy the Absolute Territory to interfere with the imaginary circuit for one-thousandth of a second. At that instant, the concentrated explosive energy will destroy the Dirac Sea formed by the Angels.”

“But if we do that, Unit Zero inside, and all the people inside, will disappear!” Misato Katsuragi slammed her hand on the table.

“There’s no other way, Minister Katsuragi, this is the optimal solution,” Ritsuko Akagi said. “As for the people inside, do you think normal humans can survive in the imaginary space? Even the Third Child, he… maybe. But this is the optimal solution.”

Ritsuko Akagi repeated the optimal solution, perhaps trying to convince herself as well.

Misato Katsuragi said firmly, "Akagi, I'm in charge! This isn't a rescue operation; it's blatant disregard for human life! I refuse!"

"The goal of the operation is to defeat the Apostles, and everyone is a unit that can be sacrificed..." Ritsuko Akagi said, but she was slapped on the left cheek and her glasses fell to the ground.

However, Ritsuko Akagi showed no anger; in fact, Misato Katsuragi's slap only strengthened her resolve. She bent down to pick up her glasses from the ground and wiped the dust off them. "I know it's hard for you to accept, but this is the best solution. Besides, Minister Katsuragi, you're no longer the overall leader; SEELE has already transferred wartime command to me."

Ritsuko Akagi put her glasses back on. "Katsuragi, I'm in charge now!"

"Even if it means sacrificing Gendo Ikari?" Misato Katsuragi asked coldly from behind.

Ritsuko Akagi didn't answer, but simply turned and left calmly. However, out of the corner of her eye, she couldn't help but glance in the direction of the first test site.

Perhaps so. She was also hoping that the invincible purple mech would, like during the Rain Apostle invasion, tear through all obstacles with a ferocious force and reach his side.

But no, what Ritsuko Akagi didn't know was—

At this moment, another machine responds to Shinji Ikari.

Within that living shadow, or rather, within the true Night Apostle Raelil, in this swaying landscape of the mind, there is still one person who can stand firm on the ground.

"Are you kidding me! This man is suspected of murdering his wife!"

“That’s right, we investigated! He only approached Yui Ikari to make contact with the Human Evolution Research Institute; he had ulterior motives from the very beginning!”

"Are you really going to hire this tainted man?!"

"I propose that Professor Yukimasa Fuyutsuki be appointed! At the very least, we can't let someone like that be the director!"

"No, Mom is laughing!" young Shinji Ikari cried out.

The shelter created by Unit-00, where all the staff caught in the Night Angel's domain had fallen, was now in ruins. Gendo Ikari stood in the center of the AT field, a jumble of memories flooding his mind. His lips twitched slightly, but he simply adjusted his glasses.

The bell tolled, seemingly coming from a station far away. Gendo Ikari closed his eyes and let his mind wander. He thought of the moonlit party and the banyan tree by the river, the swaying light and shadow under the tree, and the day he first met Yui Ikari. The firelight couldn't illuminate her face; her face was hidden in the shadows, as if it had become blurred.

Questions, insults, and ridicule poured in. But Gendo Ikari wore a satisfied smile.

Because of myself, I saw her again.

Even if Ritsuko Akagi witnessed all of this, she would only think it was an illusion, because she had never seen Gendo Ikari smile like that before, not even when he was having the happiest time, not even when he was with her and her mother.

Even when the figure he longed for was right before him, Gendo Ikari didn't take a single step forward. He knew it was just an illusion, a wound in his heart, but the illusion was already fulfilled.

“Ikari…” Gendo Ikari spoke softly and hoarsely.

The sound that came from his throat was utterly hollow, like a breeze blowing through an empty gap, devoid of sorrow or anger. Of course, Gendo Ikari's heart was already empty. He had abandoned everything he had pursued his entire life, yet dared not approach it even a fraction of a step.

However, he himself always doubted whether he truly had the value to save the other person, or the value to be saved.

As the chimes echoed in my ears, the scenery changed once again.