Who would study psychology if they didn't have some kind of problem?

Chapter 549 Mourning the Loss

Nan Zhihao is currently the kind of client that counselors love most.

He has a vague but correct understanding of his predicament. Driven by instinct, he has realized that there is a choice that is in his best interest and has already taken half a step in the direction of that choice.

However, due to a lack of systematic organization of knowledge about "people" and "life," visitors are unable to clearly define their own thoughts and have some hesitation about their choices.

What the counselor needs to do is help the client deconstruct their own thoughts little by little, strengthen the client's cognition, and at the same time, give the client the strength to stand firm in their choices.

As for whether the choice of visitors was perfect—there is no absolute answer to this question.

There may be better options, or there may not be; the answer will naturally vary depending on the person and the situation.

But at least for the current visitors, this choice is correct.

Therefore, it is necessary for counselors and clients to work together to make this choice.

Nan Zhuren looked at the visitor.

As is customary, we first build upon the content just described by the visitor, then provide support through repetition and reflection.

This is exactly the time when visitors need this.

……

At this moment, after the visitor finished narrating and giving his thoughts, he nervously clenched his knuckles and rubbed them together slightly.

Nan Zhuren smiled and said, "It seems that you have indeed done a very thorough self-reflection recently, understood your past, and made a rational plan for your future."

call--

The visitor breathed a sigh of relief.

As he began his narration, he finally showed his first normal smile.

"I don't know if my current choice is the right one," the visitor explained habitually. "My main concern right now is, as I just told you, that I still have some hesitation after making the choice..."

Nan Zhuren gently raised his hand, offering another word of support: "In the face of reality, there are many 'correct' situations, but 'absolute correctness' is 'absolutely non-existent'."

"At least for now, your choice is the best one for you."

The visitor loosened his clasped fingers slightly.

“As for your hesitation, in a sense, it doesn’t mean you have any ‘problems’,” Nan Zhuren said with a smile. “On the contrary, it means you are exceptionally strong in some aspects.”

Looking into the visitor's eyes, Nan Zhuren said, "Your superego is too strong."

The visitor blinked: "'Superego'?"

This term seems to appear frequently in marketing accounts or short videos, and visitors always feel that they know something about it.

However, when Nan Zhuren said it at this moment, the visitor felt that he did not understand.

He sat up straight, his eyes filled with curiosity.

Nan Zhuren nodded: "Yes, [Superego]."

……

In the foundational theories of psychoanalysis, besides the explanations of consciousness and the unconscious, the "Theory of Personality Structure," which discusses the id, ego, and superego, is also one of the most representative foundational theories of the school.

In his research on personality structure, Freud proposed the "Structure of Personality Model," which divides the individual's psyche into three core levels—

— These are the id, ego, and superego.

The "id" is the most primitive and innate part of personality, which a person possesses from birth.

The id follows the so-called "pleasure principle," and all its behaviors are driven by the instinctive desire for immediate gratification.

Examples include sexual desire, hunger, and aggression. When an infant is hungry, they will cry and scream incessantly to demand food, regardless of whether their behavior will inconvenience the surrounding environment and people. This is a typical example of the "id."

The "self" is the second layer of personality that an individual gradually forms through living in the real environment after achieving a certain level of growth; it is the manager of the personality.

The ego follows the "reality principle" and its role is to reconcile the impulses of the id with the limitations of the external world.

For example, when a working person sees a luxury item while shopping, their "id" will feel a desire for it; but after checking their wallet and realizing they can't afford it, their "ego" will kick in and suppress their impulsive spending desires.

The superego is the highest level of personality, which is gradually formed after an individual learns social norms and values.

The superego follows the "perfection principle," requiring individual behavior to conform to moral standards.

……

Nan Zhuren looked at the visitor and said, "Your powerful 'superego' includes an over-internalized 'filial piety'."

"Due to past traumatic experiences and repeated failures in communicating with your parents, when faced with situations where you need to communicate with your parents again, you will instinctively experience rejection, anger, and other negative emotions. These are your 'id'."

"But in this situation, you still drive yourself to fulfill the role of 'son,' suppress your own emotions, and coax your parents; even when you are under pressure, you will choose to spare energy to relieve your parents' anxiety. These are all the results of you suppressing your id and choosing to let your superego take over."

Nan Zhuren looked at the visitor and said, "So this has brought you a lot of negative impact."

The id, ego, and superego are the three components that constitute personality, and the balance among them is crucial. Any one element that is too strong or too weak will have adverse consequences.

This includes, but is not limited to, psychological problems, difficulties in adaptation, and even mental illness.

When an individual's id becomes too dominant, overwhelming the ego and superego, the person becomes driven by instinct and transforms into a beast of desire.

Poor impulse control, emotional instability, lack of moral boundaries, and pursuit of immediate gratification are all consequences of an overly dominant id.

Most criminals are slaves to their id.

“But when the superego is too strong, it often makes people ignore their own needs and even become detached from reality,” Nan Zhuren said, looking at the visitor.

After the visitor gave a thoughtful look, Nan Zhuren continued, "Those lofty moral standards can lead people to set unrealistic goals for themselves. For example, your previous 'ideal self'."

The visitor gave an embarrassed smile.

"When mistakes are made, an overly dominant superego can lead to excessive self-blame; even if it is not one's own fault, the individual will punish themselves."

This refers to the self-attack behavior of a visitor after being scammed. In addition, an overly strong "superego" can also cause other problems.

For example, some extreme moral views consider "pleasure" to be bad, leading to repression and asceticism;
Strict adherence to rules without flexibility leads to rigidity, inflexible thinking, and inflexible behavior.
Furthermore, because the superego constantly monitors and criticizes oneself, life is full of pressure, with few moments of ease and joy, which can eventually lead to a complete inability to feel happiness.

Pathologically, it may manifest as anxiety disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and related extended symptoms.

Nan Zhuren looked at the visitor and said, "In fact, even now, your superego still shows signs of breaking the balance from time to time."

"When you first want to recount your childhood trauma or bring up topics related to your parents, you subconsciously feel tense and hesitant. This is because you realize that your narrative conflicts with the superego related to filial piety, and you subconsciously prevent yourself from making negative narratives about your parents."

"And even if you say those bad things, you will unconsciously make excuses for your parents."

Nan Zhuren made a timeline gesture: "When you mentioned that 'your father pulled out a kitchen knife because he couldn't stop crying,' you immediately gave a long explanation to convince yourself and me that 'your father didn't really want to hurt you,' in order to save face for your father."

The visitor pretended to be recalling something.

It seems to be true.

“A strong superego isn’t a bad thing; it means you have high moral standards,” Nan Zhuren comforted him. “But everything needs to be done in moderation.”

"Your overly powerful superego and repressed id are no longer compatible, to the point that even your ego cannot maintain balance, which is why you are in this situation now."

As she spoke, Nan Zhuren sighed, "Not to mention that in this situation, your 'self' also has another layer of longing for family affection that you can't fulfill no matter what, which makes you feel even worse."

Fortunately, the visitor has now made attempts to adjust these three "selves".

Nan Zhuren's analysis essentially dissected all the changes in the visitor and presented them to him.

This gives visitors a clearer understanding of themselves and provides them with more direction for future changes.

Of course, this is not enough; Nan Zhuren needs to continue to support visitors.

……

"I don't know if you realize it, but your parents' three 'selves' are also very unstable."

The visitor was taken aback.

However, after carefully considering the knowledge Nan Zhuren had previously shared, he quickly figured out the key point.
He showed a relieved expression.

There are some things he still finds difficult to say, so Nan Zhuren, as his consultant, analyzes and speaks for him.

Nan Zhuren's expression turned slightly serious: "When you confided your trauma to them, they denied it. I've thought of several reasons why they might have done that—"

"Perhaps they realized what you said was true, but they pretended not to know, they denied it, and they subconsciously chose to protect their identity as parents instead of healing you."

The visitor pursed his lips.

"Perhaps, although they recall the facts you stated, in their value system, what you said isn't considered a very serious matter, and they are unaware of the harm it caused you. Therefore, they have no memory of the trauma you suffered;"

"Even if they still remember those traumas, they will shift their focus during conversations with you. They will not realize that they should be comforting and supporting you, so they will instead defend themselves and talk about other things."

The visitor clasped his hands together.

All three possibilities for Nan Zhuren are quite cruel.

Seeing the visitor's expression, Nan Zhuren softened his tone slightly.

"Or perhaps they...may realize that their behavior was inappropriate and regret it. But out of subconscious self-protection, in order to maintain their perception of themselves as 'good parents,' they have blocked out these bad things."

I don't know whether this statement is better or worse than the previous three.

After a long pause, the visitor shook his head: "I can't change them. I've tried before... and I've failed. Right now, I just want to feel better. I can only change myself."

"Following your advice, teacher, I have adjusted my superego: I will fulfill my obligation to support them and maintain basic communication; at the same time, I have also adjusted my id, and I no longer have unrealistic desires for them."

Nan Zhuren nodded: "Yes, in this situation, your 'self' can find a balance between reality and your inner self."

In the face of this situation, simply adjusting one's perception is not enough.

There is at least no way to allow visitors to complete the healing process in a short period of time.

Therefore, the efforts of psychological counselors are needed.

Nan Zhuren said, "Next, we need to perform a simple ceremony."

The visitor looked up, his eyes filled with curiosity.

Nan Zhuren continued, "We need to hold a—[mourning] ceremony."

The visitor was taken aback: "'Mourning'?"

Nan Zhuren nodded: "Yes, to mourn you—or rather, to mourn the 'you' of the past."

……

The full name of "mourning" is "mourning the loss".

This is an active process, referring to how individuals, when faced with significant and irreversible loss, go through a series of complex emotional and cognitive stages to ultimately locate and reconcile with what they have lost in their inner world, thereby enabling them to reintegrate into life.

For clients who have experienced childhood trauma, there may be a subconscious misconception that "if I suffer enough and crave enough, I might be able to change the past and get the love I deserve."

Therefore, what they need to accomplish is to mourn the "good parents they never had" and the "childhood longings that can never be fulfilled".

A complete counseling process for mourning a loss consists of four stages.

The first stage is to establish a safe and stable environment. After Nan Zhuren's long and arduous counseling efforts, the client has been in this state almost constantly.

The second stage is exploration and verification. The focus is on narrating past events, connecting them to present experiences, and exploring "what exactly I have lost".

After Nan Zhuren realized that the client would bring up childhood trauma issues during this consultation, she promptly adjusted her consultation plan and consciously guided the client.

The third stage is experience. Experience sadness, allow anger, and at the same time reconcile—this is not ultimately about "letting go" and "forgiving," but about "no longer expecting."

This is something Nan Zhuren just finished.

(End of this chapter)