Crossing the Mountains

Chapter 44 Hypocrisy
The description given by the musician Shan Yi of the incident that followed was somewhat similar to what Tan Huaike had heard from Zhali Shu and Shentu Zhuo before, but not exactly the same.

She said: "At first I just thought Zari was a nice guy, a great cook. He looked rough, but he was actually very attentive. He would remember all the dietary restrictions of anyone he cared about, and would even prepare something specifically for their favourite dish."

Tan Huaike said, "I don't think he cares so much about everyone, right?"

"No, but he's a straightforward person. He's made many good friends in the Music Bureau, like Master Zhuo, the Music Officer Chi, and even the musicians from the Western Territory. He always takes special care of them. Since I was one of them, I guess he was interested in me. But he never confessed his feelings to me, nor did he ever overstep his bounds. He just learned to cook dishes from the southern part of Daxuan for me, secretly giving them to me to taste, and asking if they were good and what needed improvement. He was very clumsy."

"You are his sweetheart, so naturally you are the most special one."

"Yes, I gradually realized that he was attracted to me." Shan Yi said calmly, "He was handsome and had a special skill. At that time, I thought, this is a golden opportunity. Maybe I can ask him to help me escape from slavery."

"Is Zari's appearance...handsome?" Tan Huaike was distracted for a moment, and the bearded face appeared in his mind. He really couldn't see what was handsome about him. Could it be that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder?
"What does he look like now?" Shan Yi paused and said helplessly, "I haven't seen him for a long time. I'm afraid he's become quite decadent. When he gets sloppy, his face is covered with a beard, and his hair and beard are tangled together. You can't tell his face at all."

Tan Huaike pulled himself back to his senses. "So you've been using him from the beginning? You haven't been tempted by Zari..."

Shan Yi sighed, "I was definitely using him. I created opportunities for him to be alone, complimented him on his new cooking skills, smiled at him, played the zither for him, and sang the soft Wu dialect ballads. I cried in front of him and confided my loneliness and suffering to him. When the time was right, I told him I wanted to leave the music bureau, escape slavery, and live the life of an ordinary woman, raising a family. Thinking about it carefully, all of this was just hypocritical calculation at the time."

"Zari thinks you two are in love with each other and he is willing to do anything for you..."

"Yes, he has always loved me firmly and passionately, and I feel guilty about it." Shan Yi lowered her head and said, "If running away at night could be possible, I really thought about living with him and settling down in the Western Territory. Unfortunately, it didn't go as planned..."

"Your plan has been prepared for so long, why was it suddenly exposed?"

"Zari said Master Zhuo had discovered this and advised him to give up. I was also very scared at the time, so I wanted to cancel my plan, but Zari didn't want to wait any longer. He felt that most of the musicians would be performing outside the palace that night, and my pre-emptive sickness would make it a perfect opportunity. He believed that Master Zhuo wouldn't deliberately hinder him, but he didn't expect that he would fail in the end."

"Do you also think that Shen Tu Zhuo leaked the secret?"

"No, after I was released after a month in prison, I roughly guessed who had exposed it. It was a colleague of mine, with whom I had once argued over my qin skills and my stage position. I'm afraid he saw something in me and reported it immediately. Although Master Zhuo knew we were planning to escape, he didn't know the details of our plan, so it was impossible for him to catch us red-handed."

"Zhali and Shentu Zhuo are having a quarrel over this matter." It's really unfair for his uncle to be blamed.

"He knows it in his heart, but he's even less willing to put the blame on me than Master Zhuo." Shan Yi laughed. "I once flipped through a few volumes of 'The Untold Stories of the Hu Tribe' at home. It said the Wuxu people had thick beards and were wild and unruly, which is true. But it also said they were uncultured and vulgar, which is not true."

"It's better to have no books than to believe everything in them," Tan Huaike agreed. "Many books in Daxuan portray the Hu people as demons."

"Yes, after being reduced to slavery, I personally made friends with them and discovered that they were simply straightforward. They loved passionately and hated openly... It was precisely because of this that I felt even more ashamed to face him."

"So when he came to deliver firewood to the Yuefu, you avoided him?"

"I've seen it. He was punished so severely back then, how could I be at ease? But I only took a few peeks behind the screen upstairs. I was satisfied knowing he was alright."

"He's still waiting for you..."

"What are you waiting for me to do?" Shan Yi spilled a few drops of water from the teacup he picked up. "I'm not as fearless as he is, and I don't want to run away anymore. I feel guilty towards him, and I don't want to hurt him anymore. I can't let him think I still have hope, or he'll try to save me. He's so foolish, willing to give up everything before he can see the sincerity of others."

"He feels guilty about you, and you feel guilty about him..." Tan Huaike sighed, "Have you really given up? Do you no longer want to escape slavery and live the life of a normal couple with him?" "I wasn't bought into slavery, but was convicted of a crime. It's difficult to escape from slavery. I accept my fate, and let it be for now." Shan Yi took out a silk handkerchief, took out a pen and ink, and wrote on the handkerchief. "He's stubborn, and I don't know if I can persuade him. Anyway, give him this letter, and let him decide what to do."

Now that he knew her wishes, Tan Huaike no longer forced them to meet.

She accepted the handkerchief and said, "Thank you, Madam Shan Yi, for your help."

Shan Yi smiled and said, "If I help you, I'm also helping myself. Otherwise, everyone will think that my love for him is as deep as the sea and I can't let him go, but no one knows my true feelings. If I tell them outside, it would be inappropriate."

Tan Huaike bowed to her and said before leaving: "You know that the flowers in the mirror and the moon in the water reflect real flowers and the real moon."

Where do those so-called hypocrisies come from?

Without love, how can there be regret?

When walking out of the compartment, Tan Huaike saw Shan Yi sitting there with her eyes closed, tears still on her face, and ripples in the teacup in front of her.
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Pei'er was waiting outside dutifully. Just as Tan Huaike was about to leave with her, Shen Tu Zhuo and Chi Fanyu appeared from nowhere and stopped her to ask questions.

Chi Fanyu was extremely anxious: "How did the conversation go? Can they still make up as before?"

Tan Huaike rolled his eyes and said, "If Chi Leguan could escape from being enslaved by Yueji Shanyi, they could reconcile as before, live together in harmony, and become a pair of immortal lovers."

Chi Fanyu: "..." How could he have the right?

Shen Tuzhuo was also concerned: "Is she willing to go see Zhali? It's really hard for me to see two lovers end up like this."

Tan Huaike shook her head. "She doesn't want to meet me, but she asked me to deliver a letter." She raised her hand to interrupt them. "Don't even think about reading the contents of the letter. I can only tell you that it's about a pair of infatuated lovers, whose love was crushed by guilt."
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When Zari saw the silk handkerchief, he wiped his hands repeatedly several times before taking it with trembling hands.

This was the first time he received a response from Shan Yi since he was placed in the Yuefu.

The handwriting on the silk handkerchief is delicate and elegant, yet tough as cattails and willows.

Shan Yi never thought that his eager pursuit would bring you to this point.

Every time my husband stumbles towards me, it is like scolding me with words and cutting my heart with a knife. I feel endless shame and regret.

Heaven does not fulfill one's wishes, and I am not a good person.

The love cannot be continued.

I hope you take care and don’t worry.
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　Next chapter: I am already a widow, why don’t I understand?

　　
　
(End of this chapter)