Restricted Death

Chapter 184 must be insane.
The private room suddenly fell silent, and Rukia stared blankly at the empty wine glass in front of her for a long time.

Suddenly, she let out a soft laugh, reached out and covered her face with her hands, rubbing her sore nose and burning eyes haphazardly.

"Yeah."

She sniffed, then picked up the bottle, filled her glass, and drank it all without looking at the letter.

Her stomach was churning, but it wasn't because she'd drunk too much. She'd only had a few drinks. She wanted to say something, but tears started streaming down her face uncontrollably.

What's there to cry about?

Rukia couldn't understand it. She had already made a decision to sever all emotional ties with him. Her life was pretty good now, with a prominent family, a respectable status, and excellent grades. Her future seemed bright and promising.

She still has some very good friends, it's just one less person, it's not a big deal at all. This is already so much better than her days in Rukongai, what more could she want?

But the more she thought about it, the more she couldn't stop crying. Perhaps it was because there was always someone involved in her life after she came out of Rukongai.

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, looking somewhat flustered and flustered.

Rukia realized that she seemed to be really going to lose the president completely. He might still be able to get along with her as friends, but for her, it was impossible to pretend that nothing had happened and back down her feelings for him.

She felt as if a part of her heart had suddenly become empty.

“Congratulations,” Rukia said.

Seeing her like this, Xin couldn't help but feel a little guilty and heartbroken, but after a moment of silence, he still said, "You think... it's good for us to be together, right?"

"..."

Rukia composed herself somewhat, and finally couldn't help but question him, "So what do you want to hear me say? Didn't you say you liked her? Do you want to say now that the person you really like is... not her? President, Captain Tachikawa, things have already come to this, what more do you want from me?"

Shin lowered his eyes slightly and said, "You've always known how much Hinamori feels for me. She's been by my side all this time, which has touched me deeply, so I feel I should give her an answer."

Rukia's face was filled with undisguised sorrow and sadness. She sat there and gave a bitter smile.

“Yes, you should give her an answer. This is what Peach deserves. You two should be together. Peach is better than me… better than me…”

Suddenly, Shin sat up straight across the table and leaned forward. Rukia stared at him blankly, and Shin was also watching her. He slowly moved closer until his upper body was more than halfway across the table. Seemingly hesitant, he reached out and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her behind her ear.

Rukia did not resist; her eyelashes trembled involuntarily. Her purple eyes were incredibly beautiful, the most beautiful eyes Shin had ever seen, yet at this moment they were filled with a pitiful fragility.

Rukia was somewhat lost in thought by his sudden intimate gesture, but the next moment, Shin suddenly cupped the back of her head with his hand and kissed her.

"Well--"

Rukia's eyes widened suddenly. She saw Shin standing close to her with his eyes closed, and smelled his scent. Everything seemed very familiar.

Gradually, confusion welled up in her eyes, and she closed them tightly.

Wow!

Many dishes and glasswares on the table between the two were overturned. The noise woke Rukia. She pulled away from Xin's hand, but did not completely remove it. She stopped just a few centimeters away from their cheeks, breathing slightly.

Xin leaned forward, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her forcefully.

This completely captivated Rukia. She didn't know what she was thinking; her mind seemed to stop at that moment, and her body followed her instincts.

The president's kiss made her nostalgic and yearning, as did his embrace. When he held her, he was very strong, as if he wanted to meld her into his body. At that moment, Rukia didn't care about anything else.

The kiss lasted for an unknown amount of time, until the two were completely imbued with each other's scent. The tender moonlight slanted in through the half-open shoji door, condensing into trembling spots of light on Rukia's neck.

Shin's panting breath carried the intoxicating scent of alcohol that made Rukia feel dizzy. She had only drunk two or three glasses from beginning to end, yet she didn't know why she felt so intoxicated.

Their foreheads touched, and Rukia's hands somehow slipped under his arms and wrapped around his shoulders.

"why?"

She seemed to have regained her senses and asked in a low voice.

"what why?"

"Why did you kiss me...?"

Rukia's downward gaze revealed their bodies pressed tightly together, with the student council president holding her close. If they were separated, they might never be this close again.

"I want to kiss you, for no reason at all."

"How can you do this to Taozi?"

“Haven’t I done so many things that I’ve wronged you?” Shin said.

Rukia closed her eyes in pain. If she were to apologize to Momo, wasn't she doing the same thing herself? The president kissed her, and she didn't refuse. It had nothing to do with who initiated it; she didn't resist in her actions or in her heart.

She always regarded Momoko as her best friend, the most important person besides Renji. She hoped that her relationship with Momoko would be clear and unambiguous, and she did not want to feel unspeakable guilt when facing Momoko later.

Why should I be the one feeling guilty? Am I supposed to live in Peach's shadow from now on?

Rukia couldn't accept it. She tried to push the letter away with all her might, but found that the other person was surprisingly strong and she couldn't break free no matter what she did.

She gave up struggling and said, "Let me go." Xin replied, "If you let go, will I never be able to hug you again?"

Rukia's heart skipped a beat, and she looked away.

After a moment of silence, her voice suddenly rose, carrying a sharpness and trembling that she herself was unaware of: "Let me go! I should go back!"

She stopped trying to break free from his iron grip and instead suddenly raised her head. Her wet, purple eyes were now burning with a mixture of anger and despair, piercing straight into Xin's face, which was inches away from hers.

"Captain Tachikawa!" she almost gritted her teeth, uttering each word deliberately, keeping her distance. "You're holding me like this, kissing me, saying these things... what do you take me for? And what do you take Momo for?"

Her questioning was like a cold whip lashing through the silent air. Xin unconsciously loosened his grip on her arm, looking at the surging emotions in her eyes with a complicated expression.

Taking advantage of a moment when his grip loosened, Rukia strained backward with all her might! This time, she succeeded. Her body abruptly broke free from that warm and familiar embrace, and the icy air instantly enveloped her, sending a shiver down her spine and intensifying the churning in her stomach. She staggered back a step, barely managing to steady herself by bracing herself against the cold wall behind her.

The two stood a few steps apart, their previous intimacy completely gone, leaving only a messy table and a stagnant, suffocating atmosphere.

Rukia was breathing heavily, her chest heaving. She frantically wiped away the remaining tear stains on her face with the back of her hand, the force almost making her cheeks red. Her gaze swept erratically across the messy floor, finally settling on the cuff of her school uniform—

There was a small, dark oil stain there, which stood out starkly against the light-colored fabric. It was a stain from the dishes that had splashed onto the table earlier.

The stain was like a tangible mark of shame, nailed to her chaotic heart. She lowered her head and stared at it intently, as if it were the only thing in the world that needed to be resolved. Her slender fingers, with an almost obsessive force, vigorously rubbed the oil stain again and again. The sound of her nails scraping against the fabric was unusually clear in the deathly silent private room.

Can't be wiped off.

No matter how hard she tried, the stain only blurred slightly at the edges and stubbornly remained there.

"Wipe it off... wipe it off..." she murmured, her voice broken and thick with nasal tone. Tears fell like broken beads, large drops landing on the back of her hand and next to the stain on her sleeve, spreading deeper watermarks. The anger and despair she felt when questioning the letter collapsed in the face of the stain of reality, leaving only overwhelming helplessness and self-loathing.

How could she have let herself get into this situation?
How could she... respond to that kiss? And even crave that embrace?
The feeling of betrayal towards Taozi, the contempt for her own weak will, the resentment towards Xin's wavering, and the love and pain that were exposed after the disguise was torn away, so deep in her bones... all the surging emotions finally broke through the last dam. She could no longer maintain the composure she had forced while standing, and her body slid down the cold wall as if all her bones had been removed.

She huddled in the corner, her arms tightly wrapped around her knees, burying her face in her arms. Her shoulders trembled violently, and muffled sobs escaped from beneath her buried face, like the desperate cries of a wounded animal, echoing in the empty private room and tearing at the stagnant air. That small, trembling figure, illuminated by the cold moonlight, appeared so fragile and so lonely, as if abandoned by the entire world.

The letter walked towards her.

"Don't come any closer!" Rukia suddenly raised her head, her face streaked with tears, her eyes red and swollen, but her gaze was like a sharp blade tempered with ice, piercing straight at him with a sharpness on the verge of collapse, "Don't come any closer!"

But Shin still went over, and Rukia trembled even more. When he knelt down beside Rukia, she suddenly calmed down.

She stared blankly at the floor, then at her own toes, then at Xin's toes...

When Xin's hand reached out to her again, she once again did not resist and was pulled into his arms.

it's wired.

What does it feel like...?

We've already come this far, and I've said all these things, so why won't he give up? Why am I still willing to accept his embrace?
Rukia thought to herself.

Shin's arms, like vines, carried an undeniable strength, yet also a strange, heartbreaking familiarity, tightening around her once more. Rukia's cheeks were forced against his chest, where she could clearly hear the equally chaotic and heavy heartbeat pounding in his chest, the sound of his heartbeat pounding against her eardrums, gradually mingling with her own heartbeat into a desperate drumbeat.

Her stiff body softened little by little in his stubborn embrace, like the first snow melting in the sun, carrying a sense of helpless dissolution. The strength to struggle had been exhausted in the previous outburst, leaving only boundless exhaustion and a deeper emptiness.

why?
She silently questioned him in his arms, not him, but herself.

Why am I always so vulnerable in front of this person?
Xin's chin rested on the top of her head, his warm breath brushing against her hair, bringing a slight shiver. The faint smell of alcohol and the familiar scent of soap on his body completely enveloped her. She was deeply immersed in it, like a drowning person clinging to a piece of driftwood, knowing that the driftwood itself was also swaying in the wind and rain, yet still greedily clinging to this momentary illusory support.

The stubborn oil stain on the cuff, just below her line of sight, pressed against Xin's collar, no longer seemed so glaring, or rather, she was no longer able to pay attention to it. Her entire world seemed to have shrunk to this small space, to the warmth of their pressed bodies and the chaotic mingling of their breaths.

She remembered Taozi's radiant smile, a smile and eyes that now burned like a red-hot iron into her heart. The feeling of betrayal, like a cold, venomous snake, coiled around her conscience, tightening its grip until she was almost suffocated.

But the body's memory is so honest. The burning heat of his kiss on her lips and teeth had not yet dissipated, and the warmth of his embrace so realistically soothed her cold limbs. Every time he approached, every time he touched her, a dormant part of her soul would be forcibly awakened, clamoring to respond, yearning for more. The dam built by reason was as fragile as a sandcastle in the face of the surging torrent of emotions.

"I hate you..." Rukia's voice was muffled inside his clothes, thick with nasal congestion and broken sobs, as soft as a sigh, yet as heavy as an accusation, "Tachikawa Shin... I hate you so much..."

This hatred was so pale that she couldn't even convince herself. What did she hate about him? His kiss? His embrace? Or did she hate that he made her realize she couldn't let go of this relationship? Did she hate that he pushed her into such a miserable, dilemma-ridden situation?

Xin didn't speak, but tightened his arms, pulling her deeper into his embrace. His silence was like an acquiescence, or even a silent plea.

Rukia closed her eyes, and hot tears silently slid down her cheeks, soaking the fabric of his chest. The moonlight still slanted coldly across the floor, stretching their intertwined shadows into a distorted and elongated shape, projecting them onto the messy cups and plates, like an absurd and sorrowful still life painting.

She gave up.

It wasn't that she gave up resisting his embrace, but rather that she gave up resisting the deep-rooted, complex emotions within herself.

She hated his wavering, his indecisiveness, and how he had put her in such a predicament. But what she hated even more was herself—knowing all this yet still unable to push him away, unable to sever these countless ties.

When his fingers, with an almost trembling tentative touch, gently brushed against the cold skin of the back of her neck, Rukia's body shuddered violently, and then, as if the last bit of strength had been drained away, she sank completely and deeply.

She stopped trying to push him away and stopped questioning him. Instead, she buried her face deeper into his neck, letting herself indulge in this moment of guilt-ridden tenderness, as if she wanted to drown in it. Her arms, which were wrapped around his shoulders and back, tightened without her noticing, and her nails dug unconsciously into his thick fabric.

In the shadows of the corner, the huddled, trembling figure vanished, leaving only a soul, also trembling slightly, tightly enveloped by another figure. The only sounds in the private room were suppressed, intermittent sobs and the heavy, disordered breathing of the two, intertwining and swirling in the cold moonlight and pervasive smell of alcohol, telling of unspeakable pain, irresistible attraction, and a future already written but destined to be fraught with thorns.

She felt she must be going crazy.

(End of this chapter)