Warhammer: Don't Call Me the God of All Machines

Chapter 789 I Think Humans Are a Kind of Beastman (Seeking Monthly Tickets)
"Honorable Primarch, I am the Ork debate spokesperson. You may call me Grud."

"It is an honor for me to speak and debate with you, representing the human race, on behalf of the great Ork people."

"If nothing unexpected happens, this should be the first time that our two great races have engaged in peaceful dialogue, and history will record this moment."

"No matter how it ends, this is a beginning, a precious beginning."

When Guilliman watched the short orc begin to speak eloquently, even delivering a brilliant opening remark, the Primarch's feelings were quite complex.

The other person spoke in extremely standard human high Gothic language, even with a slight Terran aristocratic accent.

If you only listen to the voice, Guilliman even feels like he is talking to a Terran noble heir who has been passed down since the Dark Ages.

“Even Koz’s High Gothic isn’t as good as his,” Guilliman muttered in a barely audible voice.

"What do you want to argue with me about, you orc boy?"

Guilliman's tone was slightly sarcastic; the details of the wager he had made with the orc warlord had not been clearly stated.

This was a completely impromptu speech, a debate with arbitrary starting points, and Guilliman would absolutely not lose to a green-skinned orc.

"What do you want to argue about, Primarch? Don't you have any curiosity about us Orks?"

"Since we don't have a specific theme, let's just go with the flow and debate whatever comes to mind."

Gruud did not lose in terms of presence; instead, he answered in a humble yet assertive manner.

"You call yourself an Ork, why don't you call yourself a Greenskin Ork?" Guilliman asked.

"Because the latter is a symbol of barbarity. Only barbaric species without civilization would crudely use certain physical characteristics to refer to themselves."

“We Orcs also like to use ‘shrimp’ to refer to humans. I don’t like this language habit, so it must be changed.”

The orc debater spoke eloquently.

"Just like you humans, who used to distinguish each other a long time ago because of different skin colors, different eye colors, different facial contours, and even different hair colors."

"Those humans have been fighting and clashing with each other for thousands of years, accumulating irreconcilable conflicts. Isn't that ridiculous?"

"But this is normal when civilization is still in a primitive state, while we Orks have changed."

We are no longer that blindly barbaric race, but an independent civilization with self-awareness, just like you humans.

"If you are willing to respect another civilization, please call us Ork Orcs, instead of the derogatory Green-skinned Orcs."

"I respect you, and I ask that you respect me in return."

"When you call out the name of the green-skinned orcs, it's no different from how you used to call the dark-skinned humans 'niggers' or 'blackies' in the old Terran era."

Guilliman was genuinely surprised that this debate kid knew such ancient "Ancient Terra swear words."
This small detail reveals a deeper understanding of humanity than one might imagine.

"Reading makes one wise, and I myself have read a great many books."

"History, literature, art, law, politics, military..."

Grud continued to add.

"By the way, deep within what you call the Ghoul Cluster, there exists an exceptionally ancient, lost human planet."

"The humans on this planet have long since disappeared, but the databases and libraries have been miraculously preserved, which has given me the opportunity to learn about the past of this great species."

When the orc boy in front of him said these things, Guilliman even saw a wonderful look of admiration and excitement in the boy's eyes.

Grud wasn't lying; he genuinely felt that he had learned a great deal of valuable knowledge from human culture and history, and was able to apply what he had learned.

“I think the human ancestors who left those things never imagined that their relics would one day be read by some highly intelligent alien race,” Guilliman said in a strange tone.

"Knowledge knows no borders or racial boundaries. If you remain stagnant, you will fall behind. Only by constantly learning can you keep up with the times," Gerud replied humbly.

The conversation and debate between the two were broadcast live to a wider audience of humans and beastmen via audio transmission devices.

The Ultramarines listened intently; each of them was a fervent admirer of Guilliman.

Now that they had the opportunity to hear their Primarch personally teach them how to debate, they immediately perked up their ears, unwilling to miss any detail.

The other Space Marines, though not particularly interested, maintained their respect for the Primarch, remaining silent and listening attentively.

On the contrary, the green-skinned orcs behaved more casually.

Many of the green-skinned kids plopped down on the ground, sounding drowsy. When the heavily armored leaders sat down, their massive size crushed many of the less fortunate green-skinned kids and fart demons.

The orc warlord Schwarzenegger was very focused; he wanted to see how this young orc debater planned to challenge the human master of rhetoric.

At the same time, he kept urging his men to send a distress signal to Boss Zack.

“You’re right, but you haven’t gotten to the point yet, Gerd,” Guilliman said quietly, his gaze fixed on the other man.

"Stop going in circles, it's pointless and a waste of our time."

“Alright, since that’s the case, let’s have a proper discussion.” The green-skinned boy smiled and then offered his opinion.

"I believe that the war between humans and the Orks on this planet is fundamentally meaningless."

Before the humans could react significantly, the green-skinned orcs erupted in chaos.

Those green-skinned orcs who were resting on the ground suddenly jumped up and started cursing at Gerud's location.

"You idiot, who gave you the audacity to slander the great Green Tide? It's meaningless. No orc can refuse war, no one!"
"Our Waaagh!! is the most sacred and the greatest being, what are you spouting, you bastard!"

These orcs had hideous faces, like demons, and seemed to want to devour the debate boy, Grud, alive.

In their worldview, there are no green-skinned orcs who reject war, because war is the meaning of their existence, the most primitive code etched into their genes by those ancient creators.

If a greenskinned orc is imprisoned and fed well, but is not allowed to fight, then the greenskin will quickly fall into a state of depression.

The longer the green-skinned orc remains decadent, the weaker he becomes, and he will eventually turn into a puddle of pus in boredom and die in utter loneliness and despair.

Brother Mao would never like such scoundrels; their souls would be completely annihilated, unable to continue their waaagh after death!

Even when his own kind pointed fingers at him and insulted him, Grud remained unfazed.

He made a shushing gesture and began to explain himself.

"I'm not saying war is meaningless, but that the war between us Ork and humans is meaningless."

Hearing his explanation, the other green-skinned orcs calmed down a bit.

"When our Creator created us, He designed those genetic codes hidden in our blood, and the key to unlocking them is war."

"However, if it's a civil war within our Orcs, the activation of our genetic code will be exceptionally slow, because our creator does not want us to kill each other!"

"My point of view is actually very simple—humans are actually a special kind of green-skinned orcs."

"Even if our two races are not blood relatives, they are at least cousins."

"Therefore, our war with humans is essentially a civil war among the green-skinned orcs, and civil war is extremely damaging to a civilization because the fall of either side is a huge loss to the whole."

"Then why not stop the civil war and unite against a common enemy?"

Guilliman swallowed hard.

Humans...are they green-skinned?

That's fucking bullshit!

No, no, just thinking about this incredibly filthy and blasphemous idea is a complete sin.

This is undoubtedly a serious breach of humanity's most sensitive issue of "purity." Any human being would be enraged upon hearing this and would want to kill this heretic who spreads rumors.

It should be noted that the current human empire even maintains an extremely harsh attitude towards mutants and demi-humans who have emerged for various reasons.

Once these "humans" mutate beyond the permissible range, they will face ruthless cleanup and destruction.

If this is how they treat demi-humans, how much more so when it comes to other alien races?

If the Emperor were to hear the arguments of this young debater, he would probably be so angry that he would rise from his golden throne and crush all the orcs on Skullcrusher into dust with a single psionic attack.

Guilliman was also furious and laughed, but he didn't interrupt the other man. Instead, he really wanted to hear what other blasphemous sophistry this green-skinned orc could come up with.

“I know you don’t want to believe it, but please let me explain.”

Gerd first looked at the green-skinned orcs behind him, then at the humans in front of him, and spoke.

"In your eyes, we orcs are just a barbaric race that only knows how to fight and wage war."

"Objectively speaking, there is indeed no problem with that, and I admit that it is a fact."

"When faced with war, the Orcs will gather from every corner of the galaxy like flies that have smelled carrion."

"That is indeed true, but from my observation, I have found that compared to you humans, we Ork are far less enthusiastic about fighting and war."

"In all the history of mankind that I know, you have been fighting all the time. Your passion for war is no less than that of the Orks. Take the recent war as an example."

In that grand war you call the Horus Rebellion, you humans split into two factions, each desperately trying to annihilate the other.

"That was a true galactic war, with countless humans slaughtering each other in every corner of the galaxy. We Ork have never launched a waaagh of that scale!"

"To be honest, even the Ulanor Orc Empire back then was just a small part of the galaxy. Before it could expand outwards and launch the Great Green Tide, your human emperor came knocking on its door."

"In Ulanor, the great orcish empire was utterly destroyed, and you humans achieved final victory."

Grud's voice seemed to possess a peculiar power, capable of stirring the emotions of the listener with his words.

But the argument he presented was indeed true: compared to the belligerence of humans, the belligerence of the green-skinned orcs was utterly laughable.

"And you humans are just like us orcs, fighting with whoever you see—whether it's the Eldar, orcs, or undead, or any other random race, and even the Chaos, whom we hate the most."

"If we're judging by belligerence, you humans are even more orcish than the Ork."

These words immediately silenced the Astartes on the battlefield.

Especially the Black Templar Space Marines, who rallied around Sigismund, have always been the Imperium's sharpest punch against the enemy.

They hate aliens, but what this green-skinned guy said makes sense.

They are equally war-loving; without war, the Black Templars would lose their reason for existence.

If that's the case, then what are they, Black Orcs?
"I have observed your human world. Although those planets are diverse, they can be broadly divided into four categories:"

Gruud stretched out his fingers and began to count them one by one: "Some planets are responsible for providing the shrimp for fighting, some planets are responsible for providing the shrimp with the equipment for fighting, and some planets provide food for the fighting shrimp."

"There is one last type. You will have a special throne world to worship the leader that all the shrimps worship and revere."

When the orc debater recited those classifications of the human world, several terms immediately popped into Guilliman's mind.

"The military world, the forging world, the agricultural world, and the last one is the world of the Holy Throne of Terra."

Guilliman said in a low voice, "This green-skinned kid in front of me actually has such a clear understanding of the nature of human society."

It should be noted that many people have a completely distorted understanding of the great empire they inhabit.

In their minds, the noble governors of their own hive capitals were the most important figures, not to mention the legendary planetary governors.

“If you agree with my first point, then let’s move on to the next point.” Grodd extended his right hand to Guilliman and leaned slightly forward.

The Primarch felt as if his pride in his calmness and rationality had been struck hard from behind by Mao from the Orc mythology, leaving him somewhat confused and disoriented.

“You continue.” Guilliman took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down.

"I know the truth is hard to accept, but what I said makes sense."

"To retell a story is not to make it up, and to adapt it is not to make it up randomly."

Gerud said leisurely, even smoothing his hair with his hand. His hair was all-natural, without any hair grafts.

"Secondly, if we Orcs gather on a planet, we will start fighting and killing each other."

Until the strongest, biggest, most waaagh leader appears—that is our war leader.

"Then the War Boss will lead all the green-skinned kids to launch a massive waaagh campaign against other unknown planets beyond our own!"

"Just like our Ghoul Orc Empire, its original birthplace was Greenskin Star."

"The great leader Kirk led us to conquer the entire Ghoul Stars, bathing all the planets in the great green tide." As Grud spoke, he involuntarily raised his arms and shouted to his kin behind him.

The other big orcs also responded enthusiastically to his call.

They held Leonardo da Vinci in the highest esteem. If it weren't for this extraordinary man who appeared out of nowhere, they would still be playing in the mud on the Greenskins, at odds with other powerful enemies.

"We green-skinned orcs are like this, but aren't you humans the same?"

"I know of something called the duck law: if something looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and tastes like a duck, then it is a duck."

Guilliman knew this theory because Roche had also mentioned it.

He had a vague feeling that the other person was about to say something, and a very bad premonition began to creep in.

"Several hundred years ago, there was a planet called Tai La, where a guy named Golden Giant was born."

"The shrimps on Taila are just like us orcs, they're always messing around, fighting each other, but no war leader has emerged for them yet."

"The country was sinking deeper and deeper into war, its resources were completely drained, and humanity was living in hell."

"And one day, a big, golden guy appeared, wanting to change everything."

So he created countless giant canned goods to help him defeat other warlords, eventually becoming the biggest warlord in Thailand!

"Before those Astartes, there were some big guys called Thunder Warriors, and they were pretty good at fighting too."

Guilliman felt his rationality was about to be overwhelmed by rage.

What a blasphemy! What a slander!
His father, the great Lord of Mankind, the creator and defender of the empire, was, in the mouth of this green-skinned orc, the most awesome war boss ever?

Grodd saw the look in Guilliman's eyes that seemed to want to tear him to pieces, but he still stubbornly continued his description.

"The other shrimps on Tai La were all beaten to a pulp by the big golden guy, either dying or surrendering. There are no more fights on Tai La."

So, the big, golden guy, bored on the hot planet, decided to build many, many spaceships to embark on expeditions to other planets.

"This period of history is called the Great Expedition by you humans."

"However, in my opinion, perhaps it should be called 'waaaagh' by you humans!"

Orc warlord Schwarzenegger excitedly applauded Grud's speech.

Well said, that's absolutely right.

He knew he was clumsy with words and couldn't possibly win against cunning humans, but this debater had completely scratched the itch in his heart.

That eloquent and persuasive Robert Muscle Man was speechless after being choked by his words.

If Grud said he had won, it would be a huge boost to the orcs' morale; he had defeated his enemy in the area where the enemy excelled.

Gruud bowed deeply to Guilliman, whose face had turned red, like a volcano about to erupt.

Meanwhile, Sigismund, behind him, had already gripped his black sword, ready to charge forward and slaughter all the orcs.

The ever-victorious leader, Grod, held the Emperor's Champion firmly, preventing him from interfering with the game between the Primarchs and the Greenskins.

"Calm down, calm down, bro!"

Meanwhile, on the debate stage, the orc named Grud continued his incessant chatter.

"I'm not finished yet; there's a third point I need to make."

"If you want to kill me, then you might as well wait until I finish speaking before you do so. You can take my head as you please."

The orc boy's attitude of not resisting at all and doing as he pleased actually hit Guilliman's sore spot.

He was one of the few civilized people among the Primarchs, and his moral compass forbade him to kill an enemy with whom he had debated.

This is, after all, a verbal exchange. If we were to fight, wouldn't that prove that we've already lost the debate?

Guilliman couldn't accept this, and if it were a Primarch like Lemanrus, he probably would have already chopped him into mincemeat with his battle axe.

The saying goes that a gentleman deceives others with reason, and Guilliman is now facing this very problem.

"Thirdly, you, Robert Muscle Man, are the biggest, the most waaagh, and the most capable fighter among these canned giants."

“I heard that the big golden guy is trapped on the awesome golden throne and can’t get off. So you’re the war boss of these human shrimps.”

“We orcs used cunning and rumors to make those overly arrogant human shrimps doubt your loyalty, which is why you appeared on Skullcrack Star and had this debate with me.”

Grud readily admitted that these were all methods used by the orcs.

"In order to debate with you, I have thoroughly investigated your past."

They all say that you, Robert Muscle, became the leader of humanity because of your intelligence and leadership skills, but in my opinion, that's not the most crucial reason.

"All of this is nonsense. The fundamental reason you became the boss is because you are the son of the big golden guy. You inherited his power, and you are also very good at fighting."

"Although your combat strength may not be the strongest compared to your other brothers, you are still a Primarch."

You're stronger than all those canned giants combined, let alone those human shrimps.

"Your wisdom, strategy, and foresight are all built on the foundation of your fighting ability."

You Primarchs are all burly and powerful, skilled warriors, and top-notch warlords.

The Ultramarines were furious upon hearing this. They admired and revered their Primarch not just because he was a good fighter.

Guilliman possesses a unique charisma and leadership ability, ranking among the best even among his Primarch brothers.

If everything is attributed to fighting ability, then it undoubtedly negates the original body's other advantages and strengths.

The Primarchs' true strength does not lie in their combat prowess.

After all, most Primarchs who haven't awakened their true nature are less powerful than a Marauder-class Titan, and a Marauder-class Titan isn't even as lethal as a single macro cannon shot from a space battleship.

"I have also studied your original Imperial Truth, and I must say, it is utter nonsense."

Gerud shook his finger and spoke in an aria-like tone.

"Your truth and our truth are actually the same—whoever is bigger and stronger holds the truth and the right to speak."

"You have always considered yourselves civilized, saying that your Great Expedition is to restore humanity's original glory, to re-enlighten the lost civilization, and to replace barbarism with reason. In your eyes, all other races are barbarians."

"But are you really 'civilized'? What kind of 'civilization' is more barbaric than barbarism? What kind of civilization is this?"

"You conquered those barbaric races not with the 'reason' and 'civilization' you talk about, but with giant ships and cannons, those heavily armored canned goods wielding big sledgehammers, and those waaag-like shrimps."

Guilliman was a staunch supporter of the Imperial Truth. Even when the Emperor and Macardo were pushing him to promote the state religion, he still tried his best to add a large number of the core ideas of the original Imperial Truth to the "Imperial Manifesto".

At this moment, he reflected on the imperial truth he firmly believed in, and it seemed that, as the other party said, it still relied on violence rather than ideology.

“No, you’re being sophistical,” Guilliman suddenly shouted.

"In this incredibly dark universe, only by first defeating the enemy with violence can we then use enlightening ideas to inspire others."

"If we foolishly cling to the imperial truth, we will only be devoured, leaving not even bones behind. Your view of the problem with such an absolutely detached perspective is truly despicable."

"Only by holding civilization in one hand and barbarism in the other can we achieve our goal."

Upon hearing Guilliman's rebuttal, Groud applauded in agreement.

"We Orcs think the same way now. We may have different paths, but we all end up in the same place. Doesn't that prove we're all one family?"

"Back then, your bald war boss, Holus, and your big golden guy solved problems with fists and weapons, just like we do.

The two of them took turns expressing their opinions.

Although Guilliman is more skilled and aware, this green-skinned boy has a sinister air about him, often viewing problems with a simplistic and brutal orcish mindset.

What he said seemed to make some sense at first glance, but upon closer inspection, it all felt like fallacies.

It was as if, in his words, humans and green-skinned orcs were truly of the same origin, half-brothers from different fathers and mothers.

Guilliman realized that things couldn't continue like this. If the other side continued to export some strange and evil ideas, how could this war continue?
These green-skinned orcs are shaking humanity's will to fight, causing it to begin to divide at the ideological level.

However, Groud clearly noticed that Guilliman had come to his senses and sped up to continue giving examples.

"You humans always say that there are a lot of us green-skinned orcs. As long as orcs appear on a planet, countless spores will spread, and new green-skinned kids will keep popping up."

The human warriors nodded in agreement.

This is one of the most troublesome and disgusting aspects of the green-skinned orcs; if they are not eradicated completely, they will simply spring up again.

So after each battle with the orcs, they had to use promethium flamethrowers to clean up the battlefield inside and out, trying their best to eliminate those damned orc spores.

"But do you really think that we orcs outnumber you shrimps?"

Gruud smiled slyly, and then broke through a long-held misconception once again.

"When it comes to massing troops, we Ork people have never been able to beat you human shrimps."

"If you need it, you can conscript an endless number of human shrimps from every planet in the galaxy."

“We Orcs need time to build up our army. Those little guys that grow out of the ground don’t become big guys overnight. They also need time to bask in the sun and time to train for battle.”

Guilliman was speechless. He wanted to refute, but he didn't know where to begin.

Even if he has strong debating skills and a fast thinking speed, if the other party is telling the truth, how can he refute them?

"Our green-skinned boys will grow stronger and evolve step by step. They will transform into giant orcs in the constant wars, or even become super-heavy-armored leaders, or even more advanced orc warlords."

“The worst of your human boys can’t even beat a fart demon, but once they’re trained and become auxiliary soldiers, they can fight against ordinary orc boys.”

"As they continue to grow stronger and become those armored cans, they become incredibly powerful. Ordinary big guys are no match for them; only super-heavyweight bosses can handle them."

“We have tech lads, you have gear lads from the Cult of Mechanics; you have psionicists, we have neurotic lads too…”

“You have emperors, and we have rehmannia.”

Like reciting a menu, Grud listed a whole host of similarities between humans and green-skinned orcs.

Only at the very end did he sigh with a hint of regret.

"It's a pity that we green-skinned orcs don't have a counterpart to those called 'aluminum people,' since we reproduce asexually through spores and there's no distinction between genders."

"Your aluminum men are indeed terrifyingly crazy. They dare to charge into the battlefield wearing so little equipment, chanting 'rehmannia, rehmannia' as they slash at each other."

Guilliman's lips twitched. He knew the other person was referring to the fighting nuns of the state religion, each of them an extremely fanatical religious warrior.

"Aren't your mechanical cult's gear-wielding brats just as good as me?"

Look at your old human fighter planes, did they even consider aerodynamics? They were all just brute force, not even as scientifically designed as our Ork aircraft.

The Primarch suddenly recalled something from a very long time ago.

That was when Lothie had just crossed the warp storm and arrived in Macragge.

After accepting Guilliman's commission and invitation, he conducted a preliminary inspection of the weapons and equipment currently in service with the Empire.

The investigation revealed that most of the Empire's aircraft were essentially just bricks fitted with brute engines, and it was a miracle that they could even fly.

In fact, compared to the orcs' planes, their planes, pieced together from scrap materials, were more aerodynamic and flew much more easily.

If we only consider this aspect, the Mechanicus and the Greenskin Orcs are even comparable in terms of absurdity.

Both sides felt that the other's technology was simply incredible, extremely outrageous, and illogical.

"That concludes my statement. Respected Muscle Strength Master, is there anything else you wish to say?"

"Our two races have so many similarities that perhaps we are actually close relatives. I think humans are also a kind of beastman."

Guilliman felt a cold sweat break out on his back. He never imagined that he would feel so oppressed and powerless in front of a green-skinned orc.

As mentioned at the beginning, the duck theory can be used to draw the conclusion that humans themselves are a kind of beastman.

He realized that the seemingly harmless orc in front of him had set up a series of logical traps for him, and if he could not break through them, he would be trapped in them.

(End of this chapter)