The big man has a living father

Chapter 94: Talking, Learning, Playing, and Singing
The people in the audience were laughing like crazy.

Dongfang Shuo said seriously: "Hey, hey, hey, let's get back to business."

Huo Hai took the opportunity to say: "Let's talk about the beautiful 18-year-old girl."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Dongfang Shuo: "What do you mean by 18-year-old girl? Let's talk about crosstalk!"

As soon as Huo Hai saw what Dongfang Shuo meant, he understood. He put his hands in front of his chest and put one hand in the sleeve of the other hand: "Don't disbelieve me, Dongfang Shuo and I have planned to perform this show."

"We agreed that whoever can't answer the question will lose, and the loser will have to chase an 18-year-old girl."

"Just, date, date an eighteen-year-old girl."

Dongfang Shuo rubbed his hands: "Hehehe, I've wanted to date a little girl for a long time. I won't let you see that I want to lose..." Dongfang Shuo smiled and suddenly became serious. He turned around and said: "What crosstalk, isn't this still the business of an 18-year-old girl?"

After the audience finished laughing, Dongfang Shuo continued: "Let's talk about crosstalk."

"You said that the performance between the two of us is called crosstalk."

Huo Hai nodded: "Yes, crosstalk."

Dongfang Shuo: "Is this the name you chose now?"

Huo Hai clapped his hands and said, "Did you forget so quickly what we discussed backstage?"

Dongfang Shuo pointed at his nose and asked: "Did we discuss this?"

Huo Hai: "Yes, we have discussed it. Haven't we discussed all the contents of the crosstalk?"

The audience has already figured it out. This is probably not something that was discussed beforehand, but they really wanted to see who was better.

At the beginning, the two of them were cooperating with each other, but now they each have their own rhythm. This is going to increase the difficulty. Whoever can't figure it out will lose.

Dongfang Shuo: "Okay, okay, we have discussed this."

"Then let me ask you something. We are doing crosstalk. What is my name and what is your name?"

Huo Hai spread his hands: "I didn't scream? I don't know what you screamed... You screamed because you were bitten by a dog?"

Dongfang Shuo pushed Huo Hai and said, "You bit me!"

"I'm asking about our names. Our names! We're both crosstalk performers. What's my name? What's your name? How do others call us?"

Huo Hai: "My name is Huo Hai and your name is Dongfang Shuo."

"Look, everyone. Has he become crazy about the little girl?"

Dongfang Shuo laughed and said, "You make up nouns. After you make up one, you have to continue making up one. Now you can't make up any more."

Huo Hai immediately continued: "I was just joking. Actually, we have discussed this matter off stage. He, the main speaker, is called the funny one, and I cooperate with him, so I am called the supporting one."

In this era, "哏" does not mean funny, but means argumentative.

The people in the audience could probably understand what it meant.

Dongfang Shuo: "I am a funny guy? Do you mean funny in the sense of entertaining people?"

Huo Hai: "Didn't we discuss this? Why are you pretending not to know when you get on stage?"

Dongfang Shuo smiled and said, "Okay, then what does 'supporting role' mean?"

After all, "哏" means to argue, so there is no such thing as praising.

Huo Hai: "Crosstalk requires 30% funny and 70% flattery. Only with contrast can there be harm, right? Only with contrast can the funny part be highlighted."

"It's like General Li Guang competing in archery with a person who can't shoot. The other person's arrows hit the target, but he did. Doesn't this show that he is an accurate shooter?"

"But if we compare General Li Guang with General Huoqi, although his arrows still hit the target, General Huoqi's arrows go through the bull's eye. Doesn't that make General Li Guang look like an inaccurate shooter?"

Everyone in the audience knows that Li Guang is an accurate archer. This is obviously a joke.

Li Guang couldn't take this joke seriously and explained, "I'm more accurate."

Someone below started to make noises: "Yo yo yo yo!"

Huo Hai was not used to not hearing a lot of "whoops" at times like this, so he stretched out the sound himself: "Whoops!"

This aroused the desire of the people in the audience to imitate, and a group of people said: "Whoa!"

Huo Hai ran to the stage: "Whoa!!"

Dongfang Shuo ran to Lahuohai and said, "Why are you still arguing with the audience?"

As he was being pulled, Huo Hai kicked down: "It's so infuriating, they actually accused me of smuggling contraband."

Pulling Huo Hai back to the table, Dongfang Shuo said seriously: "Every arrow goes through the bull's eye? Strictly speaking, if there is no arrow on the target, it is considered off the target."

There was laughter in the audience.

Dongfang Shuo: "I understand what you mean. You mean that I am not good enough as the funny man, not funny enough, so I need you as the supporting man to help me out so that what I say will be more interesting. Is that what you mean? Then can't the supporting man be better than the funny man?"

Huo Hai: "No, let's continue with the example."

Huo Hai glanced at the audience and said, "General Li Guang, you are in trouble. I will use you as an example. Do you mind?"

Li Guang smiled and nodded: "Raise it."

Anyway, everyone knows it's fake, and it doesn't hurt to give an example.

Huo Hai: "Just like the last time we fought the Xiongnu, there were three armies. General Wei Qing's army fought fiercely and powerfully. But if compared with the generals of the cavalry, the results were not as good. But if compared with General Li Guang who got lost, then he seemed powerful!"

"You see, if General Wei Qing insists on dragging General Hussar into the competition, that would be awkward for him."

"If it were you, who would you compete with?"

The previous example was fine, but when this example came out, Li Guang's face turned green.

Dongfang Shuo looked at Li Guang's face and said, "I'm looking for General Li Guang... You've never been beaten, right? How can this be compared?"

Huo Hai looked like a shameless person: "Others can't do this, and I'm afraid of being beaten, but General Li Guang is very generous and broad-minded. He just agreed to my example. If you don't believe me, go and ask."

Most people in the audience didn't dare to laugh.

But those who dared to laugh laughed so hard that they could hardly stand up straight.

Li Guang's face was covered in bruises because of anger.

Dongfang Shuo: "Okay, okay, everyone in the audience knows that General Li Guang is broad-minded, so let's continue talking about our business."

"Confucian scholars have etiquette, music, archery, charioteering, calligraphy, and mathematics. What do we have in crosstalk?"

Dongfang Shuo was thinking that Huo Hai couldn't explain it, so he asked in return why he compared himself with the Confucian scholars. He just liked the homophonic and rhyming jokes of the Confucian scholars' crosstalk.

Let's get back on track and stop talking about Huo Hai's words and start talking about our own topics.

As soon as he came on stage, the rhythm was firmly controlled by Huo Hai. Dongfang Shuo couldn't get into his own rhythm and basically couldn't deliver any punchlines.

Huo Hai responded: "You've already discussed it offstage, but you forgot it? Our crosstalk emphasizes speaking, learning, amusing, and singing!"

“Basic skills.”

Dongfang Shuo: "How long will it take you to master this basic skill?"

Huo Hai made a cross with his hands: "A quarter of an hour on stage is the result of ten years of hard work off stage. I, Huo Hai, have been training for a full ten years just for a quarter of an hour on stage today."

Dongfang Shuo: "So when you were six years old, I already discussed with you that we would perform crosstalk today. Have you been practicing for ten years?"

Huo Hai made an eight with his hands: "What are you talking about? What do you mean six years old? Is six years old normal?"

"Eight years old!"

"That year I was playing with mud under a tree, and Dongfang Shuo shamelessly came over to play with me."

The audience was all laughing. Dongfang Shuo looked incredulous and asked, "Wait a minute, I played with you? When you were eight years old? Played in the mud with you?"

Huo Hai: "Yes." Dongfang Shuo: "Do you agree?"

Huo Hai: “Yes.”

Dongfang Shuo: "Can we play together? I won't play in the mud at my age! Besides, can't I play by myself? Why should I play in the mud with an 18-year-old kid like you?"

Huo Hai: "How would I know? When I was peeing in the mud, you said you were too old to pee, and you insisted that I pee in your hand."

The audience was already laughing to death.

Dongfang Shuo pushed Huo Hai and said, "Go aside!"

Huo Hai pointed at him and said, "Hey? You don't admit it and you're angry because of shame! I said we had discussed it."

Dongfang Shuo: "Okay, okay, okay, we have discussed it. I want to see how long you can keep pretending. Then let's talk about singing and dancing."

Huo Hai: "There are four basic skills in crosstalk: speaking, learning, amusing and singing. Speaking means using your mouth, tongue twisters, running words, setting poems and counting tricks."

Dongfang Shuo felt that Huo Hai must have been prepared for what he said, so he didn't intend to continue: "Wait a minute, didn't you and Sima Gong discuss poetry earlier this month? How did a style of writing that has only been out for less than a month become something we discussed ten years ago?"

Huo Hai didn't show any sign of fear at all: "Sima Xiangru was there ten years ago."

Dongfang Shuo: "He didn't pee either?"

The people in the audience were laughing so hard that they were numb. They were all looking around to see where Sima Xiangru was sitting today.

Unfortunately, Sima Xiangru had the flu and was lying in the Imperial College.

"I'm a nine-foot-tall man, let alone you. Ten years ago, the world-famous writer Sima Gong lined up behind me to pee on you?" Dongfang Shuo: "If you keep saying this, everyone in the court will be present on that day."

Huo Hai: "Whether other people are here or not depends on the situation."

Dongfang Shuo: "What are you looking at?"

Huo Hai: "See if you can find fault."

The audience laughed, and someone started to cheer: "Let's do a tongue twister!"

Huo Hai: "You come as soon as you say so?"

A large sum of money was thrown onto the stage from the audience.

As soon as the money landed on the ground, Huo Hai said: "Eight hundred standard-bearers ran to the north slope, and the cooks ran side by side to the north. The cooks were afraid of hitting the standard-bearers, and the standard-bearers were afraid of hitting the cooks' stoves."

The Huo Hai artillery had all been exported, so I had an idea and made some changes.

Dongfang Shuo: "It's a bit confusing. Are you sure this thing really exists and you didn't just make it up?"

Huo Hai: "I've already said it, we agreed on this ten years ago. Should I practice this for ten years?"

Another large sum of money was thrown up from the audience: "One more."

Huo Hai bent down to pick up the money: "The porter was delivering vegetables on the way, and he took a break in the noodle shop. The shoulder pole snapped and broke into two parts. He saw the bench and had an idea in his mind. The bench was wide, and the shoulder pole was long. The shoulder pole was not as wide as the bench, and the bench was not as long as the shoulder pole. The shoulder pole wanted to be tied to the bench, but the bench didn't let it be tied to it, and the shoulder pole insisted on being tied to it. The bench refused to let it be tied to it. What do you think happened? Was the shoulder pole tied to the bench in the end..."

Dongfang Shuo hurriedly held Huo Hai back and said, "Alright, alright, that's not the case. It's just one hundred coins, less than one string of silver. The person who gave the reward was too stingy. He even used half of the money to throw it up. If you keep reading, we'll lose money!"

The people in the audience started to make a fuss and threw money up.

Dongfang Shuo saw Huo Hai bending down to pick up the money again, so he hurriedly pulled Huo Hai and picked up a string of big coins first: "The audience is happy to spend money, I don't mind how much. The audience has good things coming one after another, and we can have a prosperous year. One string of money brings good weather, two strings of money brings a large family, three strings of money brings a good career, and four strings of money brings success in everything!"

"Do I have to take four kan?"

As expected of the land of Qi and Lu, even auspicious words have to be centered around the weaving.

The people in Chang'an have been writing doggerel recently, and Dongfang Shuo has written one before. Rhyming the last word is much easier than writing poetry. Dongfang Shuo doesn't even have to think about it, he can just come up with it.

As he spoke, Dongfang Shuo took out four strings of cash and put them on the table.

Huo Hai pretended to push Dongfang Shuo away and picked up a string of money: "Everyone can say auspicious words!"

"When money is thrown on the stage, one is appointed as a marquis and prime minister. When copper coins fall to the ground, one moves into the Northern Mansion. A handful of copper coins means a new roof. A basin of copper coins means a successful career! One string of coins means smooth sailing, and two strings of coins means a two-cent bright moon. Smooth sailing means a smooth career and success, and two-cent bright moon means three-tenths of the world's talent occupy 20%! Isn't this awe-inspiring combination of smooth sailing, two-cent bright moon, three suns opening the door to good fortune, four seasons of prosperity, five blessings coming to the door, six-six great luck, seven stars announcing good news, and eight directions?"

Dongfang Shuo: "Where's Nine?"

Huo Hai: "You are the emperor sitting below the stage. I am not afraid of being beheaded. Come on and speak."

Liu Ju, who was standing in front of Liu Che in the audience, shouted, "Cousin! Where's Ten?"

Huo Hai: "I wish your majesty the best! A happy family! Hundreds of sons and thousands of grandchildren! May your country be forever secure and last forever."

Huo Hai raised his hands and said, "It's time to cheer when I hear this!"

"it is good!!!"

The audience actually cheered in response, and Huo Hai picked up ten strings of cash from the ground and put them on the coffee table.

A string of big coins weighs six kilograms, and Huo Hai was exhausted after just a few moves.

In terms of temporary reaction, Dongfang Shuo was worse off with eight strings of coins than four, and was suppressed from beginning to end.

Dongfang Shuo felt that he might really be unable to win the argument.

How come this guy speaks so freely, as if crosstalk is real?
But Dongfang Shuo still didn't admit defeat: "Let's not talk about learning, amusing and singing again, let's pick another one, does singing mean singing?"

Huo Hai: "Learning means learning to sing ditties, and singing means singing opera lyrics and Yuefu."

Someone in the audience shouted, "Have a piece!"

Huo Hai: "Scripts? This will cost extra!"

Dongfang Shuo looked stingy, holding his money and moving it to the side: "What about Yuefu?"

In fact, the compilation of Yuefu has already begun, and many officials are quite familiar with Yuefu.

Huo Hai excitedly said, "Then I'll do a segment."

Huo Qubing shouted in the audience: "I don't think this is necessary?!"

"We are all family, don't speak up!"

"Your Majesty, can I go away first?"

Huo Qubing's quality was three times better, and everyone else was stunned.

Is such a big reaction necessary?
Huo Hai on the stage has already started: "Under the bridge in front of the door, a group of ducks swam by. Come on, come on and count them. Two, four, six, seven, eight. Eeyore, eeyore..."

In Huo Hai's "Children's Six Lessons Combined Edition", the melodies are modified from popular folk music, which are also the Yuefu that are collected now.

However, Yuefu's lyrics are more formal, while Huo Hai's lyrics are children's songs.

But... no one could tell what song Huo Hai was singing!
Everyone in the audience was stunned.

What the hell! What is this song about! Kill the pig!

"Shut him up!"

"Death, death, death!"

"Ouch, my ears!"

"I'm willing to spend a fortune to buy new ears that have never heard Huo Hai sing. I can't keep these ears anymore!"

After listening to the crosstalk, this group of people kept making jokes.

Dongfang Shuo covered one ear with his left hand and covered Huo Hai's mouth with his right hand. Huo Hai was still struggling to continue singing. Dongfang Shuo said: "I really hate that I don't have three hands."

Well, now without “Stories of Emperor Wu of Han”, Dongfang Shuo would also be the ancestor of thieves.

Huo Hai laughed: "Singing well is my talent, standing close to me is your destiny."

(End of this chapter)